FUNNY STUFF......

BLACK TESTICLES



 A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen

 mask over

 his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a

 partial

 sponge bath.

 Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

 

 Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only

 here to

 wash your upper body and feet.'

 

 He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles

 black?'

 

 Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from

 worry

 about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back

 the

 covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his

 testicles

 

 in the other.

 

 Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with

 them,

 Sir!'

 

 The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very

 slowly,

 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very

 closely......

 

 A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?



 

Who ya gonna vote for

It's been a while since I've checked out a Fark Photoshop contest, and a buddy sent me this kayak-based one today:

http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=3521269

Thankfully, because I needed the laugh...

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip.

He began his day with an 8# speckled trout on the first drift and a 7# on the
second. On the third drift he had just caught his first ever red
over 8 pounds when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a
terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd
be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving
what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.

He decided to get in a couple of more drifts before heading to the
hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his
trip with two trout like he'd never seen, both over 8
pounds. He was jubilant. Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the
corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished
your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While
you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the water your
wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead
and finished because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip
you ever take!"

"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And
you'll be her care giver forever!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm Just pulling your leg. She's
dead. What'd you catch?"

Not trying to get political here but the stories just happen to have a parallel and the creator pulled it off quite creatively. Plus you gotta love Hillary as Darth and Bubba as the Emperor!

Z

Without further ado... "The Empire Strikes Barack"

Good stuff Z.  If nothing else, creatively edited.

Michael

Check your Driver's License
I definitely removed mine. I suggest you all do the same.
Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including
your own! I just searched for mine and there it was...picture and all!
Thanks Homeland Security! Go to the web s! ite, and check it out.
It's unbelievable!!! Just enter your name, city and state to see if
yours is on file.  After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked 'Please Remove'. This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law enforcement. Please notify all your friends so they can protect
themselves, too.  Believe me they will thank you for it.
http://www.license.shorturl.com/
 

Two women friends, incredibly drunk and walking home got caught short. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

They had nothing to wipe with but the one woman thought she'd take off her panties and use them, then throw them away.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. They then made off for home.

The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "We'd better keep an eye on our wives you know, mine came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her cheeks that read, 'From all the guys at the fire station. We'll never forget you'."

One more:

A Brothel Madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really?" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

SNL Clip. Andy Samberg Punching People Before They Eat
You need to turn up the volume on this one.

http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/play.shtml?mea=166786

Hope this isn't a repeat


THE WEDDING TEST

 I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

 There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

 My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

 She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than
 a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

 One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she
 whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

 She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

 Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

 She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

 I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

 I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight
 to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

 Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all  clapping!

 With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a
 better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

 And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Why I was fired....

For the last company picnic, management decided that, due to liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink per person.

I was fired for ordering the cups.

   I vote that we put mickfish in charge of bringing the cups for the next NCKA bash.

  I vote that we put mickfish in charge of bringing the cups for the next NCKA bash.

Hear! Hear!

Yea I always thought that that round indentation in my tankwell was for a bucket little did I know it's a cupholder.

Here's a sure-fire way to earn those WAF points!

Be sensitive to your wife as she grows older.

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger.  When you notice this, try not to yell at them.  Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive, aging
woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Lynn.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Lynn to get a
full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for
the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I
noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home
from work.  Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she
has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.  I don't yell
at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table.  I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the
club, so eating out is not a reasonable solution.  I'm ready for some
home-cooked grub when I hit that door.  She used to do the dishes as soon
as we finished eating.  But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the
table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening
that they won't clean themselves.  I know she really appreciates this, as
it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

I think another symptom of aging is complaining.  For example, she will say
that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
her lunch hour.  But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, right?  So I
just smile and offer encouragement.  I tell her to stretch it out over two
or even three days.  That way she won't have to rush so much.  I also
remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any
(if you know what I mean).  I like to think tact is one of my strong
points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.  I
try not to make a scene.  I'm a fair man.  I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
while.  And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make
one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Lynn.  I'm
not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.  Many men will
find it difficult.  Some will find it impossible!  Nobody knows better than
I do how frustrating women get as they get older.  However, guys, even if
you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife
because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well
worthwhile.  After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report
stated that he was found with a Callaway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha
Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip
showing and a sledge hammer lying nearby.

His wife Lynn was arrested and charged with Jim's demise.  The all-woman
jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense
that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.