FUNNY STUFF......

  Nice, Matt!  I am tempted to comment on several of your points, but being a married guy I know better.  Never know when the wife might read one of my posts...

 Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a
   repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day,
 she  told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the                                     
 dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
 "Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't   
 bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstance,                                 
  talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"     

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the
 following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest
looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said,     
 the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the
 repairman go about his work.                 
                   
 The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with
 his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.                 
 Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,                 
 "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"                   
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"                   
                 
 See - Men just don't listen!                 

                 

                   


                 

A thief in Paris stole some paintings from the Louvre.
 
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made
it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when
his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime
and then make such an obvious error, he replied,
 
"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh"

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine..And those who don't

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria  found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, Whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop,     Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

Don't mean to offend but I thought this was pretty funny

Self Exam For Men... Am I Gay?

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat... 'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-B-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge of being a fudge packer.

 

This brief little video reminds me of Usagis' avatar:

DOGS RULE!!!!! 

Mooch, that dog sitting on the cat made me shoot my drink out of my nose directly into my keyboard.  Had to take my laptop apart to clean it, but it was well worth it! 

Dog:  "Anyone seen my playful little friend the Cat?"
Cat:  "Uermph!"   

Here's a little "redneck humor" from the NWKA site.  (BTW, I consider myself part redneck, and proud of it )

Pictured below:
1: Redneck Kitty Carrier
2: Redneck Car alarm
3: Redneck Home Alarm
4: Redneck Wind Chime
5: ...And my favorite, the New Improved High Tech Redneck Palm Pilot!

 THE AUDIT
 
The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.

The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up.  When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker.  And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

 "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases?

 What do you do...with the crumbs from the matzo?"

 "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then they send a box of matzo balls."

 "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "w hat do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

 "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them to   the Internal Revenue Service."

 "Internal Revenue Service?,"  questioned the auditor in  disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service.  And, about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

 

Thank you Frank.

I'm still laughing!

As a loving husband who bought his wife breakfast, roses, jewelry and a nice card for Valentines Day last month, I would like to make the following public service announcement so that my fellow NCKA brothers do not miss out on an important date of our own:

http://www.steakandbj.com/v2/

(Warning - Mature Content, Grown-ups Only!)
(you can look though, Mooch) 

Oh My.  How Very shocking.

I just wanted a beer and to see something naked.

Oh My.  How Very shocking.

I just wanted a beer and to see something naked.

Sorry Matt, hope I didn't shock you too much.  Is this better?



 

Menopause Jewelry

 My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
 bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
 able to monitor my moods.

 We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
 turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
 big frickin red mark on his forehead.

 Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.   Dumb ass.