FUNNY STUFF......

 

GHOST SEX

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been  giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Oh shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

Today's modivational poster.....Hell, tomorrow's too!

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now THAT'S an OG!!!!

RETIREMENT BONUS

If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of$72,000.


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.


The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'


It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.


The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,'which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip ofthe Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, ''   Vietnam ''.

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.break.com%2Findex%2Fhow_to_shower_men_vs_women.html&h=c0de9HAnVHB7P6snCUpzJywMejg

"I'm not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike"...

http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=218&ad=11084907&cat=409&s_cid=E0003

Watch @ 4:24

A MUST have for any guitarist ...

Your tax dollars at work...

I was out for an afternoon walk today at work and as I strolled down a newly paved section of the bay trail in Foster City I glanced at the painted text on the new pavement and thought hmm that didn't sound right.
So I stop and and turn around so I can read it right side up and sure enough.


I don't know what they spent on this resurface project but I think I have a good idea on where they decided to save a couple of bucks.

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise           

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.


Sincerely,

P. Niss

 

The Response

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following

reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do

not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other

locations.


You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in

order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing

the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 60.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed

the assigned task..


And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and

exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

 

Sincerely,

 

V. Gina

HA!
Subject: New Mexico Chili Contest

A New Mexico Chili Contest Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Albuquerque city park.

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Longmont, CO.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge..3)

Chili .. 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge .. 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge .. 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge .. 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili .. 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge .. 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge .. 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge .. 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili .. 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge .. 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge .. 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge .. 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...

Chili .. 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge .. 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge .. 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge .. 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili .. 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge .. 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge .. 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge .. 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili .. 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge .. 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge .. 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge .. 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili .. 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili....
Judge .. 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge .. 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge .. 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge .. 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili .. 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge .. 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge .. 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge .. 3 -- farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

- Jon

HA!
Subject: New Mexico Chili Contest
.......If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud, then there's no hope for you. .......

Oh MY Gawd!      
My stomach hurts, my eyes haven't stopped running, I've been coughing from laughing so hard I could not breathe . . . too funny, Ben - thanks, I think