FUNNY STUFF......

Denny's has a new "Octo-Mom Breakfast Special".

It has one egg with fourteen yolks, no sausage and the people in the booth next to you get the bill.

This is both intriguing and somewhat horrifying...and oddly enough I want one! 


And one of these for dessert...

 

Sometimes true life is too funny check out the comments. http://www1.pressdemocrat.com/article/20090302/ARTICLES/903020971/0/SPORTS

Lobster Knife Fight!

My Dad just sent this to me and I'm not going to post a link for the obvious reason, there is a lot of swearing so if that offends you don't watch it but it is Hilarious. Just go to http://www.youtube.com/ and type or paste in "Sony Releases" and it will be the first video

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving
my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more
than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
 
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with
the neighbors daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors
daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.
 
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been
having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would
leave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has
been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.
 
 
I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has
become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I
can't get through to him anymore.
 
Can you please help?
 
Sincerely, Sheila
 
 
 
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and
hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none
of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump
itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
 
I hope this helps,
 
Walter

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon'

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'













The 2nd Affair:


A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'Not this time!'


The 3rd Affair:


A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have to show you something you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead?'


The 4th Affair:


A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue.' she replied. 'The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


The 5th Affair:


A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One cent?' the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied,
'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'


The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to,' his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know, I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

Helicopter fishing!

  That's funny, Al.  The guy needs a longer leader though. 

13  Things PMS Stands For:

1.  Pass My Shotgun
2.  Psychotic Mood Shift
3.  Perpetual Munching Spree
4.  Puffy Mid-Section
5.  People Make me Sick
6.  Provide Me with Sweets
7.  Pardon My Sobbing
8.  Pimples May Surface
9.  Pass My Sweatpants
10.  Pissy Mood Syndrome
11.  Plainly; Men Suck
12.  Pack My Stuff
and my favorite one:

13.  Potential  Murder Suspect

Women will understand this and the men should memorize it!

Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

DANGEROUS:   What's for dinner?
SAFER:  Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST:  Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE:  Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS:  Are you wearing that?
SAFER:  Wow, you sure look good in brown!
SAFEST:   WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE:  Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS:  What are you so worked up about?
SAFER:  Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST:  Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE:  Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS:  Should you be eating that?
SAFER:  You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST:  Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
ULTRA SAFE:  Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS:  What did you DO all day?
SAFER:  I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST:  I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE:  Here, have some wine.

This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a
   Woman
 In a brand new
 Cadillac
 Doing 75 mph
 With her
 Face, up next to her
rear view mirror
 Putting on her eyeliner.
 I looked away
for a couple seconds!
 And when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup.
 As a man,
 I don't scare easily.
 But she scared me so much;  I dropped   
My electric shaver ,
which knocked
 The donut
 Out of my other hand.
 In all   
 the confusion of trying   
 to straighten out the car
using my knees against   
the steering wheel,
 it knocked
 my cell phone
 away from my ear,
 which fell,
 into the coffee
 between my legs,
 splashed,
 and burned
 Big Jim and the Twins,
 ruined the damn phone,
soaked my trousers,
 and disconnected an
 important call.
Damn  women drivers!!

The Little Skunk

Little old man Joe and his wife Sue was traveling down the road in the dead of winter, Sue told Joe that there was a little black skunk sitting on the side of the road as they passed. Joe then stopped and backed up and told Sue to jump out and get the baby skunk, which Sue did and placed it int he back seat. About a mile down the road the baby skunk was shaking from sitting out in the cold, Sue said "Joe that poor baby skunk wont stop shaking" Joe replied "well Sue just pick it up and put it between your legs to warm him up" Sue said "But Joe what about the smell" Joe said "just pinch his little nose and he wont smell a thing".

Credits to Andy/FishMaster1 for telling this one at LDV FnC '09!

 

One of my all time favs:

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one
great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste
of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."

A  young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty  lot.

The  young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the  activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing the workers.

Eventually  the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more
or less,  adopted her as a kind of project mascot.  They chatted with
her, let  her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and
gave her  little jobs to do here and there to make her feel  important.

At the  end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay
envelope  containing ten dollars.  The little girl took this home to her
mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' s
Roberto: she'd received
to the bank  the next day to start a savings account.

When  the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally
impressed and  asked the little girl how she had come by her very own
pay check at such a  young age.  The little girl proudly replied, 'I
worked last week with a  real construction crew building the new house
next door to  us.'

'Oh my  goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on
the house  again this week, too?'

The  little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever
deliver the  sheet rock...