FUNNY STUFF......

Ok, someone has to start the holiday jokes/cartoons, so it may as well be me. 

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.  After I retired, my  wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to  Wal- Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I  found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.  Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.  Yesterday my dear wife received  the following letter from the local  Wal- Mart:

 

Dear Mrs.Moltchanoff,

Over the past six-months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.  Our complaints against Mr. Moltchanoff are listed  below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of  condoms and randomly put them in


    people's carts when  they weren't looking.

 

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at

     5- minute  intervals.

 

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato  juice on the floor leading to the

    women 's  restroom.

 

4. July 19: Walked up to an  employee and told her in an official

    voice , ' Code 3 in  Housewares . Get on it right away.

 

5. August 4: Went to the Service  Desk and tried to put a bag of

    M&M's on layaway.

 

6.  August 14: Moved a ' CAUTION - WET FLOOR ' sign to a  carpeted area.

 

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other

   shoppers he'd  invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets  from

   the bedding department .

 

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began

    crying and screamed, 'Why can' t you people just leave me alone ?'

 

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as

   a mirror while he picked his nose.

 

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department , he

      asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

 

11. October 3:  Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly

     humming the ' Mission Impossible '  theme .

 

12. October 6: In the auto  department , he practiced his ' Madonna

      look'  by  using different sizes of funnels.

 

13.October 18: Hid in a clothing  rack and when people browsed

     through, yelled ' PICK ME! PICK ME!'

 

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he

     assumed the fetal position and screamed:

     'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICE S  AGAIN !'

 

15. October 23:  Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited

      awhile, then yelled very loudly, ' Hey! There 's no  toilet paper in here! '

 

this cracked me up make sure you sound is on.

  I've seen that but forgot how funny he is!  There's a version out there (on youtube) where he does this song and halfway through is joined onstage by Natalie Imbruglia...that one's funny too because she's singing live and she joins him with his "version" of the song. 

Women Drivers In Action:

OMG!

Women Drivers In Action:

OMG!

Thanks Als, I laughed my ass off!!!!

  Me too!

Absolutely classic!!

-FF

Bad drivers are a total pet peeve of mine.. this was great! Too f'n funny.

Z

 

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish. About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. "You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!" The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?" "Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer. "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said. "And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman. The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!" Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?" The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your day s sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!" The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

New Element Discovered

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium , an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

May God help us survive this growing mass before it becomes a black hole that sucks us all in.

Subject: Biker's Chili

A duded-up city
rider walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD. He
sits at
the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded,
staring
Blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just
sitting there
staring at it, the newbie rider bravely asks the old biker, 'If you
ain't
Gonna eat that, mind if I do?'
The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward
the young
Pup and says, "Nah, you go ahead."
Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches
over and


slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with
Delight. He
gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse
in the
Chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the
chili
Back into the bowl.
The old biker quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."