FUNNY STUFF......

Forwarded to me, not humorous....in the least bit...........




An Obituary printed in the London Times


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the worm;
Life isn't always fair;
and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.  It declined even further when schools were required to get
parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student;
but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted
to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;
and criminals received better treatment than their victims.  Common
Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar
in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.  Common
Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust,
by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his
son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights; I Want It Now;
Someone Else Is To Blame; I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and
do nothing

A comment from an SFGate.com article.

entropy
4/8/2009 12:12:37 PM

I heard Tom Stienstra once survived 23 days in the wild solely on trail mix he found in his beard.

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy:My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.' The boy says, 'I can 't , I sold my baseball and my glove.' The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?' Boy: '$1,000' The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.' They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
 The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now.

I found this amusing...

 2 more

I've enjoyed kayak fishing for almost a year now. A few months back while I was out I met Sam who has a really nice bass boat. So I've partially abandoned my kayak to spend some time with Sam on that boat, and boy have I learned a lot.

This would all be great, except that my wife, who was very supportive of my kayak fishing, has become just plain belligerent about my outings with Sam on the bass boat. So, I'm not sure what to think of it.

Anyway, below is a picture of the boat with Sam and some bass. Hopefully my wife will be more understanding in the future.

"I Want my Bailout Money" - Mike Adams - Video Mashup

Women's  Ass  Size  Study
 


There  is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association  about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are  pretty shocking:
 1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel  their ass is too big.
 2. 10% of women surveyed feel  their ass is too small.
 3. The remaining 85% say they  don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married  him anyway.

They might be on to something.

Michael

I  was confused when I heard the word 'service'
Used with these agencies.

Internal Revenue  'Service'
U.S. Postal  'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service' 
Civil  'Service'
State, City, County & Public   'Service'
Customer 'Service'


This is what I  thought 'service' meant.

 
But today, I overheard two farmers talking,
And one of them said he had hired a bull to
'service' a few cows.

BAM!!!  It all came into focus.
Now  I understand what all those
Agencies are doing to us. 

Now you are as enlightened as I am.

An old cowboy is sitting in a bar,sippin' a beer and a young woman sits down on the stool next to him.

She asks him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He says, "I'm 70 years old and my whole life I've been ridin' my horses,tendin' my cattle,puttin' up hay,pullin' calves,fixin' fences. Yeah, I'm a real cowboy. What are you?"

She says, "I'm a Lesbian I guess. I wake up in the morning and think about naked women. I get in the shower and think about naked women. I watch T.V. and think about naked women. It seems I can't do anything without thinking about naked women."

They sit in silence for awhile and a guy walks in and sits on the other side of the cowboy.

He asks, "Are you a real cowboy?"

The old cowboy says. "I used to think I was, but I just found out I'm a Lesbian."

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me, and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time,
reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

With age comes wisdom.

  This is freakin hilarious. I have new respect for MSNBC.

http://www.asylum.com/2009/04/16/tea-bag-protest-attracts-double-entendres-dick-armey/

These  are pictures of an actual polar bear attack in Churchill , Manitoba , Canada . 
These pictures  were taken while people watched and could do nothing to stop the  attack!
Reports from the local newspaper say that the  victim will make a full  recovery.

Here are the winners of this year's Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again  asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by  adding,  subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new  definition:

1. Cashtration (n.):  The  act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an  indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus:  A person who is both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication:  Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation:  Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.):  The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.   The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy:   Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7.Giraffiti:  Vandalism spray-painted very,  very high

8.Sarchasm:  The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and  the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte:  To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteo*****sis:  A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon:  It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?  And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12.  Decafalon (n.):  The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido:  All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect:  The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.):  The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.):  Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17.  Caterpallor (n.):  The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.  And the winners  are:

1. Coffee, n.  The person upon whom one coughs.

2.  Flabbergasted, adj.  Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v.  To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v,  To attempt an explanation while  drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj.  Impotent.

6. Negligent,  adj.  Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7.  Lymph, v.  To walk with a lisp.

8.  Gargoyle, n.  Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9.  Flatulence, n.  Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n.  A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle n.  A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n.  The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n.  A Rastafarian proctologist.

14.  Oyster, n.  A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
 
15. Frisbeetarianism, n.  The belief that, after death, the  soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n.  An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.