FUNNY STUFF......

Don't let your Jack "O" Lanterns drink tonite.

Don't fart in your wetsuit

 

Reminds me of someone I saw yesterday

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

A person sent ten puns to friends, hoping that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten
did.

Two friend's, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a
flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, "Sh!t, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again"!!
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "don't you like getting flowers"?
The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after
giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my
back with my legs in the air".
The blonde says, Don't you have a vase?

 

A trucker stops at a whorehouse he goes inside and hands the madam
3000 dollars and tells her I want the fattest, ugliest, meanest, nastiest,
girl you have here.

The madam says with a puzzled look on her face but sir for this kind
Of money you can have the sweetest, nicest, most beautiful, girl we have.

So the trucker says but you don't understand I not horny I home sick
       

Z, thats classic!!!   Everyone at my work loved it!  

Check this out:



I wanna dog just like this!

For those of you that find shopping at WW Boring

Now we know why you don't drink

I love this Doctor!!

 I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. 
  Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What doe s a cow eat? Hay and corn And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. 
 

 Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is20made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
   
 Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one,20etc.
 

 Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exerc ise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
 

 Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

 Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around themiddle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
 

 Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

 Q: Is swimming good for your figure? 
 A:   If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
 
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!



Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember: 
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 .....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2 The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

I just sent that joke to my boss (the Dean of Physical Education at De Anza) and the woman who runs our wellness center (she's vegetarian).