FUNNY STUFF......

More.....

These are from a book called,"Disorder in the American Courts,"
and are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters that had
the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually
taking place.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:  No, I just lie there.

______________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 
WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example
of something you forgot?
______________________________
         

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________           
 
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old,
how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
______________________________           

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
______________________________         

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby)
was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________         

 ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________         

 ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________       

 ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________         

 ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________           

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?

What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.
____________________________     
 
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________           

 ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________           

 

And the best for last:

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
 
WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

 

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?


WITNESS: No .

 

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

 

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

 

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?

 

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.
.....................

Some of you have probably seen this in an email going around titled
When Someone Steals your Kodak Moment

Pisciform I really needed that laugh.

Mooch boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We Have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you,I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," Mooch said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJaMtBKnN-I&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Ebloodydecks%2Ecom%2Fforums%2Fgoof%2Doff%2Dphoto%2Dediting%2Dvideo%2Dclips%2F141877%2Dlucky%2Dpenguin%2Ehtml&feature=player_embedded

Wow, happy penguin . . . but I was waiting for the orcas to just flip the zodiac over to get him out!

Wow, happy penguin . . . but I was waiting for the orcas to just flip the zodiac over to get him out!

yeah me too.  I would never have kept that bird on the boat!  esp after seeing all those shotof orcas beaching after penguins and seals.

dummies. (but kind-hearted dummies)

Allen

Is that blond baby from Mexico city.

Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart buying a small bag of Purina dog chow for
 my loyal pet, Oliver, my purebred "Shitsalot" and was in the checkout line when
 a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an
 elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I
 told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet
 again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the
 hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
 intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
 IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet,
 and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with
 Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
 The food is nutritionally complete, so, it works well, I thought I'd try it again.
   (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told
 her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt, and a car
 hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart
 attack he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there
 anymore. People should watch what they ask retired people. They have all the
 time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Re: Mickfish - why am I starting to think he really did this...? 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt, and a car hit us both.

Naoaki??


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Naoaki??

  Crazy - he's pretty good!

In case you didn't catch it, he said:  ....I wanto vin da beatoboxu bato wide kado.

Mooch

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