FUNNY STUFF......

 

A big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him, and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel. And if he could locate the bullet hole. he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Spring Buck." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .22 rifle." The others could not believe it. He was right, and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeked, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him.

So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in their car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion" and fingering the bullet hole said, "and the rifle was a .308," which of course was right. This, of course, was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove is skills over and over again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, stoned out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one heck of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?" His wife replied angrily, "From me, of course."

"But what did I do?" he asked. She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a triumphant tone, 'Skunk, killed with an axe.'"

Mrs Brown's Boys Bikini Wax

Freakin' Hilarious! Thanks to Joel for leading me to this.

LMFAO!!!!!

 

http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/the-25-funniest-autocorrects-of-2012

Sincerely,

Jim

I don't really like lulz cats. I usually find them to be mindless clutter but this one won me over

Tom's scrotum
The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife........

  The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
    Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible motorcycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men  in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

 

 

That should be your profile pic joel! 

 this commercial cracks me up! (I love the "strut )

Southern Comfort | Beach - UK Version | Whatever's Comfortable

dis is por da pilipnos 

Two Navy Chiefs are getting wiped at the base
CPO Club when suddenly one of 'em throws up
all over himself.

"Damn, now my wife will kill me!",
the inebriated Chief said.

The other chief says, "Don't worry.
Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket
and tell your wife that someone threw up
on you and gave you $20.00 dollars to have
it dry-cleaned."

So they stay for another couple of hours
and get even drunker. Eventually they stumble
out and go home and this chief's wife starts
in on him, "You reek of alcohol and you've
puked all over yourself! My God, you're
disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his
words, the Chief says, "Now way a mint, I can
splain everthin. Ish snot wha jew think. I only
had a cupla drrrinks. But thish damn Marine got
ssick on me. He had one too many and he juss
koudin hold hizz liquor . He said hes was
verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for
the cleaning bill!

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says,
"But this is forty bucks.'

To which the Chief replied, “Oh, yeah I
almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.

http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2012/12/20/s-venezuela-gets-0-points-for-answer-to-miss-universe-question-and-that-may/?intcmp=obnetwork

Post

Happy New Year NCKA 



Seinfeld - Marine Biologist