FUNNY STUFF......

.

http://twomenandapod.podbean.com/2013/01/31/episode-53-comedian-rich-brockman/

Fun podcast I did recently. I gave NCKA a plug, and tell the story of the first time I got on stage with the NCKA crew. Enjoy.

From AKF:



Sharks on Duty

A fishing boat ran into trouble last week about 100 miles
off shore. Despite the efforts of everyone aboard, the boat
was lost. The people were left floating in their life vests.
The sharks were assigned to the case.

The two responding sharks were father and son. As they
approached the people, the father told his son to stop a
moment for instructions. He said, "Son, we need to go about
this in a methodical way. First, we circle the people with
just a bit of our fins showing."

The son replies, "Uh, huh. And then?"

"And then, we circle again but with half of our fins
showing."

"Okay. Then what?"

"Then, we circle a last time, with our fins fully out of the
water and displaying our teeth and huge mouths."

The son asks, "But Dad, isn't it easier to just go straight
in and eat them all up?"

"No, son. Trust me on this. They taste much better with all
the poop scared out of them."

From AKF:



Sharks on Duty

A fishing boat ran into trouble last week about 100 miles
off shore. Despite the efforts of everyone aboard, the boat
was lost. The people were left floating in their life vests.
The sharks were assigned to the case.

The two responding sharks were father and son. As they
approached the people, the father told his son to stop a
moment for instructions. He said, "Son, we need to go about
this in a methodical way. First, we circle the people with
just a bit of our fins showing."

The son replies, "Uh, huh. And then?"

"And then, we circle again but with half of our fins
showing."

"Okay. Then what?"

"Then, we circle a last time, with our fins fully out of the
water and displaying our teeth and huge mouths."

The son asks, "But Dad, isn't it easier to just go straight
in and eat them all up?"

"No, son. Trust me on this. They taste much better with all
the poop scared out of them."

 

Rare sighting of a bird dog

City Workers Paint Handicapped Space Around Woman’s Car, Tow the Car Away

http://gawker.com/hila-ben-baruch/

Duck Dynasty fanatic!

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
-----------------------------------------------------------
In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
-----------------------------------------------------------
In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
-----------------------------------------------------------
In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
-----------------------------------------------------------
In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
-----------------------------------------------------------
Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
-----------------------------------------------------------
Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
-----------------------------------------------------------
Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)

ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
-----------------------------------------------------------
Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
-----------------------------------------------------------
Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
-----------------------------------------------------------
On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
-----------------------------------------------------------
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Really? Ya think?
-----------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!
----------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!
----------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!
----------------------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!
----------------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?
----------------------------------------------------------
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
----------------------------------------------------------
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!
----------------------------------------------------------
And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

 
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
 
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
 
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
 
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
 
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
 
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
 
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
 
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
 
Am I wrong?
 
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
 
The directions said that:

 
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
 
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
 
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

 
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

 
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
 
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
 
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
 
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
 
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
 
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
 
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:
 
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
 
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

 
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
    The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
    My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
    My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
    I had no control over the drooling.
     Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
    I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles, but I believe they have permanently retreated to a secure nest somewhere in my abdomen.
 
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
 
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

My website is very close to being up and running! RichBrockman.com SPlash page is my niece's sow and babies nursing. There will be a lot of comedy on this site, not just mine, but will be entertaining.

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

 
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
 
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
 
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
 
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
 
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
 
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
 
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
 
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
 
Am I wrong?
 
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
 
The directions said that:

 
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
 
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
 
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

 
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

 
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
 
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
 
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
 
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
 
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
 
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
 
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:
 
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
 
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

 
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
    The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
    My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
    My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
    I had no control over the drooling.
     Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
    I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles, but I believe they have permanently retreated to a secure nest somewhere in my abdomen.
 
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
 
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

 

Smash, Smash, SSSSSmash...Yeah !