FUNNY STUFF......

   Painful to watch,,,   That guy had to broke his back on the garbage can...     

I was excited that my date was bipolar. Has nothing to do with a two rod stamp apparently.

Lol

Moral of this story...don't multitask? or watch boxing?

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/man-mistakes-iron-phone-burns-head-article-1.1218914

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, are fine. I’ve been a very good boy this year. I
would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for
Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones

* * *

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the
time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to
get fat. Since you’ve indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you
something you can go outside and play with.


Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

* * *

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "Naughty vs. Nice"
contract, established by you
I might add, I feel confident that you’ll see your way clear in
granting me what I’ve asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this
joyous season into one involving litigation. Also, don't you think that a cheap shot at
my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit
hypocritical?


Respectfully,
Tim Jones

* * *

Mr. Jones,

While I’ve acknowledged you have met the "Nice" criteria,
need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it
a guarantee of services to be rendered. Should you wish to pursue legal action,
well, that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been
on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be
more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I
alluded to will not only improve your health, but also your social
skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the
bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.


Very Truly Yours,
S Claus

* * *

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was
attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends
into this. Now you just be disrespecting me, chicken-head. I'm about to tweet my boys
and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I be taking my game console,
my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!


T-Bone


* * *


Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees
you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar,
genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your
sh!t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people
that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totinos pizza roll
all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you
asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in
your @ss and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.


S Clizzy


* * *


Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.


Timmy

* * *


Timmy,


That's what I thought you little b@st@rd.


Santa

 
nice one Tote!

nice one Tote!

       Hahaha,,,,     Love this thread

   
     

He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit
 
the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my
 
brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"Can't remember.”

Harlequin novel, version 2011- THIS IS A MUST READ!!!!!!

 He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me
 into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were
 alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low,
 reassuring voice close to my ear.

 "Just relax."

 Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused
 hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my
  calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.

 I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so
experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave
 a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes.

 My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen,
 my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his
 hands, I inhaled sharply.

 Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to
 my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

 Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and
expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A
 man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me
 what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say .

 .. . ..

 "Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."

looks like some needs a happy meal 

nice one Tote!

       Hahaha,,,,     Love this thread

Literally had tears in my eyes.  Great read Mike!!!

.

I thought this was funny I hope the link works at least it is fishing related.


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  must have been texas,     the water wasn't cold enough.   

 A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip.  He began his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second.  On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.  The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was, and that he'd be there as soon as possible.  As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.

He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds.   He was jubilant.

Then he remembered his wife.  Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you!  I hope you're proud of yourself!  While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been anguishing in the ICU!  It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care.  And you'll be her care giver forever!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg.  She's dead. What'd you catch?"