FUNNY STUFF......

Filipino accent prank.  Can't stop laphing the first time I heard this. 

    Subject: Visitor
     
    There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and there was a young man standing there who said:
    "I'm a Jehovah's Witness".
    I said," Come in and sit down".  When he sat down I asked, "What do you want to talk about"?
    He said, " Damned if I know, I've never got this far before"

 

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS!
 
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! Won't happen!!!
 
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
 
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
 
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
 
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
 
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
 
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
 
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
 
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
 
Am I wrong?
 
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
 
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
 
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
 
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
 
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
 
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
 
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all  over the living room.
 
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!  You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be
considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet
or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
 
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
 
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

My friend sent me this today and I cracked up!

1. Go to Google maps and click "Directions."
2. Enter "USA" as a start point.
3. Enter "Japan" as the destination.
4. Scroll down to line #31
 

My friend sent me this today and I cracked up!

1. Go to Google maps and click "Directions."
2. Enter "USA" as a start point.
3. Enter "Japan" as the destination.
4. Scroll down to line #31
 

Real funny!!!!

"nothing to hide" policy of air new zealand 

"A LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE"

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to
her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal
health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse
produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know
shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

 

Thought this was pretty funny!

The best part, IMO, is at the 2:43 mark.



*Disclaimer, this was first linked to Imhooked.com.   

Ultimate Dog Tease

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his regular check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking
cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver
sitting at the water's edge…

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."


The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Funniest thing Ive seen in a long time!!!

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ZLDzPH-cBhw#at=129

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtube_gdata_player&v=8xQ74YQyksY

It's amazing how many humans are idiots!

http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/slaan.html