FUNNY STUFF......

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!


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Can you cry under water?


If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it rape or shoplifting?




How important does a person have to be, before they considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'?  Where's that extra penny going to?



Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes they buried you in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?




Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still a hearing?


Why are actors IN a movie, but ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway...


Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


Corn oil is made from corn, vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?



 

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you?

When you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?




Why, Why, Why

do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?




Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?




Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?



Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?




Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?




Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?



 

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?




Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?




If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?




Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?




Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

 


Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?




Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?




Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?




How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?




Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table

you always manage to knock something else over?




In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?




How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?




And my FAVORITE.........
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons suffers from some sort of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

THE TALKING CLOCK!


AFTER CLOSING TIME AT THE BAR, A DRUNK WAS SHOWING HIS NEW APARTMENT TO A COUPLE OF HIS FRIENDS.

HE LED THE WAY TO HIS BEDROOM WHERE THERE WAS A BIG BRASS GONG AND A MALLET.

"WHAT'S UP WITH THE BIG BRASS GONG?" ONE OF HIS GUESTS ASKED.

"IT'S NOT A GONG. IT'S A TALKING CLOCK," THE DRUNK REPLIED.

"A TALKING CLOCK? SERIOUSLY?" ASKED HIS ASTONISHED FRIEND.

"YUP," REPLIED THE DRUNK.

"HOW'S IT WORK?" THE FRIEND ASKED, SQUINTING AT IT.

"WATCH," THE DRUNK REPLIED.

HE PICKED UP THE MALLET, GAVE THE GONG AN EAR-SHATTERING POUND AND STEPPED BACK.

THE THREE STOOD LOOKING AT ONE ANOTHER FOR A MOMENT.

SUDDENLY A VOICE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WALL SCREAMED ...

"YOU ASSHOLE!   IT'S THREE-FIFTEEN IN THE MORNING!"

kevin kelly(brdopry) sent this joke to me in a cell phone message:

after being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes.he breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. he orders the man out of bed and ties him to a chair. he then ties the ladie up to the bed , kisses her neck then goes into the bathroom. the husband tells his wife "listen , this guys a dangrous escaped convict! he hasnt seen a women in YEARS! i saw how he kissed your neck , if he wants to F**% you dont resist , dont complain just do anything he wants or he might kill us! Be strong honey. i love you!"
  the wife responds "he wasnt kissing my neck , he was whispering in my ear. he told me he was gay and thought you were cute then asked if we had any vaseline , i told him it was in the bathroom , BE STRONG HONEY...I LOVE YOU TOO"

Once upon a time, a circus came to a small rural town in Texas. While they were putting up the big top, a baby elephant escaped and found his way to a little old lady’s garden up the road.

The lady couldn’t see very well, but she was alarmed enough to call the police and report a cow in her cabbage patch pulling up her cabbages with his tail.

The policeman on the other end of the line listened patiently, “A cow is eating your cabbage, ma’am? We’ll send someone right out."

“I never said he was eating ‘em,” the lady said.“No?” The policeman replied. “Then what is he doing?”

The woman hesitated and then exclaimed. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you!”

Small primer for this one...Braai=BBQ       Boere Wors or Boerie is literally translated as Farmer Sausage, a mix of pork and beef.Its main spice is coriander.

Most excellent Sharky! 

Snot Spot Glove Spot

-Wearable, washable, reversible nose wiper for taking care of those pesky drips when paper tissue is unavailable or         impractical.
-Ideal for cold-weather athletes, adventurers, outdoor workers, dogwalkers, and others.
-Made from naturally water-resistant, non-chafing microfleece
-Fits over all ski or other winter gloves.
-Open-hand design does not affect finger dexterity or interfere with use of ski poles, boot buckles, or snowboard straps.
-May be worn on either the left or right hand.
-Snow easily brushes off when not allowed to cake up and freeze.
-Made in USA.


http://www.campmor.com/outdoor/gear/Product___11666

Did you hear the one about the plastic surgeon who... hung himself ???
 How about the fishermen that went to Alaska...came back husky fookers !

 Hair in Dog's Ears

    My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took
    it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the
    dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine.

    The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep
    this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some
    "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

    The lady went to the pharmacy and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
    At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this
    under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

    The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

    The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for
    a couple of days."

    The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know,
    I'm using it on my schnauzer."

    The pharmacist said, "Stay off your bicycle for about a week."

If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Stay off your bicycle for about a week."

  

From an Afrikaans blog I read Watkykjy (what are you looking at) http://www.watkykjy.co.za/
Griffin posts a few funny pics every friday to get the weekend off on the right foot. I thought todays would fit in nicely here. I refuse to translate the caption as Griff is one sick puppy.

Most excellent Sharky! 

Both  Videos X2 Sharky

Warning. offensive language, but funny. With friends like this....