FUNNY STUFF......

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If you get an email titled Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi - don't open it.

It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.

How far away is this

 


 

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in  Kenya  after graduating from  Northwestern   University  .

 

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.  The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.  The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.  Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.  Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.  Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the  Chicago  Zoo with his teenaged son.   As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.  The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.  Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.  He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.   The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

 
> >> >
> > The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the
> > IRS office.
> > The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up
> > with his attorney.
> > The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant
> > lifestyle and no
> > full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you
> > win money
> > gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that
> > believable.'
> >
> > I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says
> > Grandpa. 'How about a
> > demonstration?'
> > The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go
> > ahead.'
> > Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that
> > I can bite my own eye.'
> > The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a
> > bet.'
> > Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The
> > auditor's jaw drops.
> >
> > Grandpa says, 'Now,20I'll bet you two thousand
> > dollars that I can bite my
> > other eye.'
> > Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he
> > takes the bet.
> > Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
> >
> > The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost
> > three grand,
> > with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get
> > nervous. 'Want to
> > go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet
> > you six thousand dollars
> > that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into
> > that wastebasket
> > on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
> > between.' The
> > auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
> > carefully and
> > decides there's no way this old guy could possibly
> > manage that stunt, so
> > he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips
> > his pants,
> > but although he strains mightily, he can't make the
> > stream reach the
> > wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates
> > all over the
> > auditor's desk.
> >
> > The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just
> > turned a major
> > loss into a huge win.
> > But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in
> > his hands.< br> > > 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
> > 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning,
> > when Grandpa told me
> > he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five
> > thousand dollars
> > that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and
> > that you'd be
> > happy about it!'
>
>

 
Random Thoughts of the Day:
 
1. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell
my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves
me.
 
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.
 
3. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink
to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they've invented the lighter?
 
4. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
 
5. That's enough, Nickelback.
 
6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.
 
7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be
ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
 
8. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it
wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would
magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did
we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message
boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
 
9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
 
10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f&*% was going on when I first
saw it.
 
11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90
minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at
the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and
a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really,
really gets it.
 
12. The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already
hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom.
Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I
tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We
played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally
put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized,
yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the
other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.
 
13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
 
14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand
than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
 
15. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.
 
16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to
finish a text.
 
17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
 
18. Was learning cursive really necessary?
 
19. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else
to say".
 
20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
hunger.
 
21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a
Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
 
22. My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.
Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired
about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us."
Classy, bro.
 
23. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart",
all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
 
24. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
 
25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams
up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong,
brothers!
 
26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete
idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said
"Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
 
27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow
each other?
 
28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
 
29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure
I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
 
30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.
 
31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.
 
32. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get
dirty, and you can wear them forever.
 
33. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
 
34. Bad decisions make good stories
 
35. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if
I do!
 
36. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every
year?
 
37. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring
would probably just be completely invisible.
 
38. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be
a problem....
 
39. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at
work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.
 
40. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't
want to have to restart my collection.
 
41. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
 
42. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks
me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.
 
43. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this
ever.
 
44. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people
watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they
judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching
this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the
room. Will we still be friends after this?'
 
45. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for
China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain
that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.
 
46. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone
and run away?
 
47. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
 
48. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet
stalking.
 
49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
 
50. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
speed for pedophiles...
 
51. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
 
52. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.
 
53. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
 
54. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not
to answer when they call.
 
55. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying
to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from
the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
 
56. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do
to with it.
 
57. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
every time...
 
58. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
 
59. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and
the link takes me to a video instead of text.
 
60. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.
 
61. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
 
62. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
 
63. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag,
saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about
it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people
eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by
myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard
before dinner.

Random Thoughts of the Day:

Good stuff jhfish - it had me and  .

Yes, I actually took the time to read them all. 

Michael

Warning - Home Depot scam!!

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while
out shopping.
 
   Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
   Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
     
   Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21
year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the
trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their
breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts... It is impossible not to look.
 
   When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and
instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the
way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and
starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
 
   I had my wallet stolen January 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,
24th & 29th. Also February 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th
& 30th, three times last weekend and very likely again this upcoming Monday.
 
   So tell your friends to be careful.
 
   P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each.
I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also,
you never will get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11
pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot.

Quote Of The Day:

"seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong"

-FF

I gots to get one of these here thangs

Quote Of The Day:

"Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas."

-FF

If you think this is funny I don't want to fish with you. I only posted for WAF points


 Bob  Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it  happens, near  Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car  along a rather deserted highway.  It was late and raining very  hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the  car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no  avail! The car swerves and smashes into a  tree.
 
  Moments  later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the  passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding!  Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her  medical assistance.
  Bob  carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a  short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is  coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and  knocks.
  A  minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately  blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've  been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I  please use your phone?"
 
  "I'm  sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is  a doctor; come in and I 
will  get him!"
Bob  brings his wife in.
 
  An  older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have  misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is  many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical  training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the  laboratory."
 

  With  that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following  closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from  exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining  table.
 

  After  a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious,  Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but  to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no  more.
 

  The  Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps  to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that  he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost  haunting melody fills the house.
 

  Meanwhile,  Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he  notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting  piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking  the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up  straight!
 

  Unable  to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the  conservatory.
 

  He  bursts in and shouts to his master:
 

  "Master,  Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of  music!"
 

 

  (I am  soooooo sorry...... But you really should've seen that  coming)

 
  What did you  expect...it's free from a demented friend on the  Internet.

PLEASE SEND RESCUE!!!


The real call in with most of the dialogue.