FUNNY STUFF......

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!
 
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
=2 0
 
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.''
 
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.''  His response -- click.
 
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.  He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
 
He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)
 
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada?''
 
I said, ''No.''
 
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)
 
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.  I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas.  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
 
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.   Finally, I old her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
 
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
 
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight.  I think that's very rude!''
 
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.
 
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lind say Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii.  After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?''
 
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright  from Alabama who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
 
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
 
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida.  Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
 
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL, on a commuter plane.
 
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
 
11. Mary Landrieu, Louisiana Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China.  After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa.  'Oh, no I don't.  I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
 
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.  When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
 
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.''
 
I was at a loss for words.  Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
 
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
 
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
 
''The man =2 0 retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly!  Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
 
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''
 
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
 
Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
 
Could anyone be this DUMB?
 
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED

Jersey Boys buy an Italian GPS....

WWW.PEOPLEOFWALMART.COM

Drafting Guys over 60----this is funny and obviously written by a Former Soldier...
 
 
New Direction for any war:
Send Service Vets over 60!
 
 
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
 
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.  Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
 
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts!  I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
 
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get  up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing fanatical s-o-b's.....
 
If  captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser...
 
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.  We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
 
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
 
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
 
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl.  He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
 
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
 
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
 
***How about recruiting Women over 50 .....with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
 
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we  will have it secured the first night!
 
Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back
out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph,
so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped
back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with
a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather
out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe
my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started....

For the Star Wars fans... 

How I learned to mind my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
And all the patients were shouting, “13”... “13”...”13”...

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
little gap in the planks. So I looked through to see
what was going on.

Suddenly some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting “14”... “14”... “14”...

A Chinese couple, newly wed, arrived in their honeymoon suite and proceeded directly to the bedroom.  Knowing that his wife was a virgin, the husband was trying his best to make her comfortable so that their wedding night would be a pleasant experience for both of them. 

He said to her "Sweetie, I know this is your first time, and you're probably a little nervous. I want you to be happy though...if there's anything you want just let me know." 

His wife looked at him with big, brown eyes and shyly said "Well, I'd like to try 69..."

He looked at her and asked "So...you want broccoli beef?"

A newlywed couple arrive at a small, family owned resort on the beach in Oahu, on their honeymoon. There are only a few cabins there. Early the next morning the owner of the resort sees the new husband fishing on the jetty. Later in the day, our groom is still fishing. That night as the owner walks his dog along the beach, the guy is still fishing.

This goes on for 3 days, until the resort owner just can't help but ask the new husband a question..

"Say young fella, aren't you on your honeymoon?"

"Yep", says the man.

"Well if you don't mind me asking you a personal question, you been out here fishing day and night for 3 days, shouldn't you be spending some time making love to your new bride"

"Can't" replies the husband, "shes got the gonorrhea".

"Well",  the resort owner says, " you can flip her over and do her that way".

"Can't" replies the husband, "shes got diarrhea".

The older gentleman chuckles, "well there's oral love too ya know".

"Can't" replies the husband, "shes got pyorrhea".

The resort owner then asks, "son if you don't mind me asking, with all her problems, why did you marry her"??

The young man smile and says, "well shes got worms too and I love to fish!!!""

Gaaaaahhh! 

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,

when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the

bus:


1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

 

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

 

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.


Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there

could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue

reading.


 

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part

of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is

going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take

the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be

the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able

to find your perfect mate again.


 

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................


The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble

coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car

keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I

would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'


Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn

thought limitations.


Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'


 

HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put

her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her hospital visit anyway,

have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car,

then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

 

 

God, I just love happy endings!

Quote of the day:

"Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven."

-FF

Quote of the day:

"Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven."

-FF