Time to come clean

OK...so here goes ....I need to come clean...I'm scared ... I'm scared to go out on my kayak... Some of you know I capsized this last spring , lost some gear , made it back obviously , found a crack in the hull and fixed it.... Did a leak test which passed...I have taken it out once since then to be sure.... But just long enough to make sure the fix was good.

I was terrified the whole time ,sweated my ass off and couldn't wait to get back to the dock .... If it wasn't an anxiety attack I don't know what it could be called ( I have PTSD and have had attacks before so it wasn't really new)...I was an EMT , Navy Corpsman and I survived physical abuse from a parent,been shot at twice, even did a few days in jail..I've spent long hours in therapy to get well ( still am)but I haven't been this afraid in years.

Odds are I'm not so different than some of you here I fact I've written some of this before... Maybe I can kid myself but I can't kid you guys, I have been invited out so many times ( mostly on game days) I come up with excuses no gear etc etc.Of course you knew this.

Anyway thanks ...I'm trying really trying ,I miss fishing , I don't want sympathy I just to be able to look you in the eyes and know I'm for real ....Vic

Does that include freshwater? I have dumped once in freshwater (my first time on the kayak)...PFD save my butt as well as a NCKAer in a float tube.  I kayaked ARW once and Albion (inside the cove) once and decided the ocean is not for me. Ocean water is a lot colder and I don't think I can self-rescue in time and don't want to put anyone else at risk to help me.

I haven't been on the water for a while due to various physical issues but look forward to kayaking again once I find that ideal (i.e., lighter) kayak. I hope you don't give up trying.

Howard

I did a trip on the Sacramento River up by Red Bluff. It was in a beginner kayak and out of the blue it rolled right and dumped me in, wrecking my hand held gps'r in the process. I never trusted that kayak again. I used it again, but I never felt safe in it. I used it in tomales bay and sweated it the whole time. The wind kicked up pretty good and by the time the day was over I felt a little better about it since I didn't go swimming again. Now I have my Tarpon 120 and I do much better. Maybe you need to trade yours in for another one. Something stable you will feel safe in. One of those stand up really wide ones. A better kayak made a big difference for me. Keep in mind, a little fear is a good thing.

Vic,

I'm newb for kayak fishing. I did kayaking as sport when I was in midle school (many pounds 100lb+ ago )

I decided to start with wide kayaks and it give myself confidence.  I use small San Mateo/ Foster City creeks (near San Mateo Boat house) to paddle for hour or more before going back to kayak fishing (due to work changes I cannot fish often right now) it helps me to gain confidence and

 

Get back in the saddle dude.  We all get freakouts, go swimming, lose gear.  A lot of that anxiety will subside if you get properly jocked up with solid equipment. 

On that note, come out with me next week for an early on/off before work.  I'll loan you a bomber T11 for some pothole kelp action.  No guarantee you won't get rammed by whitey LOL, but promise you will not go swimming due to a leaky or busted ass tippy boat.

VK,

Id recommend just getting a brand new yak!  youll have confidence knowing its safe and new. just a thought

When I was 16 I got hot head on by a car I'm my motorcycle. I knew if I didn't get back on right away I would never have the courage to re again. Needless to say my mom was pissed when she came home and saw me riding a motorcycle up Nd done the street with one leg in a full cast and the other in a half cast.

So just get back on before you regret not.

Vick as you know I was there at Sonoma that day and I should have waited for you to launch, but I didn't know that you were apprehensive you seemed to have your shit together. I feel guilty about what happened and have been kicking myself ever since. Don't give it up Kayaking will solve a lot of the issues you are dealing with, I know they were a lifesaver for me. Anytime you want to go back out let me know and I will paddle along side you until you feel comfortable, Sonoma,Albion wherever. A great man once said be a Kayaker First and a Fisherman second. Maybe we should hit Sonoma with no gear and just take a paddle. If you want to go to Albion we don't have to fish the ocean we can just take a cruise up the river it is beautiful. I would be more concerned if you weren't a little scared, being scared will make you prep and keep you safe.     

I've never met you, but if you do decide to take a class and ever want to give the ocean a shot I'll add you to the SCSS super secret PM list. Whenever there's a really ideal condition day looking to shape up I'll give you a shout and you can come fish with us. We rarely go very far from wherever we're launching from.

I'm sure RavensCraig would love to tag along as well.

Offer always good.

That class you mentioned is a good idea.  But...I personally think the key confidence builder is practicing re-entry until you know you can do it every time with your own kayak, even when you are beat tired, especially without any gear assistance like paddle floats.  When you can scramble your ass up on that kayak every single time within a few seconds...you will have far less worry about being dumped.  Also, until you can do that, it may not be a good idea to be OTW anyway, especially the big blue.

I had a similar experience in HMB, got dumped by a big ass wave way out in the middle of nowhere all by my lonesome....and found that I couldn't reenter.  This even though I'd recovered from being dumped in a different kayak many many times before...but that "before" was a completely different type of kayak and a long time ago.  A couple of hours floating in the cold Pacific will give anyone pause.  So...I started lifting weights and getting back on the treadmill, going out and practicing my reentry skills in the harbor.  Didn't take much of that before I was able to hop right back up on my T13 using the scramble.

I'm still getting the butt clench when I leave the HMB harbor and get hit by wind or mixed swells.  Find myself running back into safe water as fast as I can, but I'm working on it, building my confidence back one day at a time.  I'm also giving some serious thought to approaching HMB exclusively with an AI like so many others I see out there.  Don't have one yet, but it's on my list.  Much more stability for the slop and probably a lot faster than my T13.

Hang in there, get to some shallow water and pretend it's deep to practice reentry.

On greasy flat days like this it's almost a crime to not be out there...

My God I'm dreaming of the day I get to experience that kind of ocean water.

I drove down the coast on Monday from Pacifica to SC and was able to compare the water all the way down...SC was like a bathtub compared to HMB, flat and calm.  Not quite as nice as your picture, but pretty darn close.

Hey Vick I have PTSD too, so don't worry. It just takes little steps, and a good support group.  You will overcome it all. Im starting with the Petaluma river and tomales bay / sf bay on super flat days till I feel I'm ready for the ocean. You could roll when I go.

Vic,

I'm newb for kayak fishing. I did kayaking as sport when I was in midle school (many pounds 100lb+ ago )

I decided to start with wide kayaks and it give myself confidence.  I use small San Mateo/ Foster City creeks (near San Mateo Boat house) to paddle for hour or more before going back to kayak fishing (due to work changes I cannot fish often right now) it helps me to gain confidence and

Good idea ...thanks

if you have time, I'm going to San Mateo this Saturday. I'll have trident-15 and big tuna with me - the last one will give you confidence for sure and then you can switch to trident

Get a PA Vk.  It's gonna take a Typhoon to turn that thing upside down.  Don't give up bro.