Need advice! Not fishing related!

At that age nobody is a lost cause, don't give up on him.  Get a job or GTFO isn't the answer. 

I agree 100% with Art that nobody is a lost cause at that age...or really any age in my opinion...

Asking him to leave the house and find another place to live though does not have to mean that you are giving up on him...You and Brenda could set limits/boundaries and still try and help/support him as parents the best you could, while still making it clear that he needs to start taking responsibility for himself.

I truly hope that it doesn't come to asking him to leave, and that he is able to get and keep a job and/or go back to school...I don't think that will happen though until you and Brenda talk to him and tell him what you BOTH have decided is expected of him...
 
I wish you guys the best of luck bro and will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers, and feel free to calll whenever you want to talk/vent.

Sincerely,

Jim

What are his interests? IMO, finding a job that is somewhat related to his interests will give him a better incentive to stick to it.

Oh, and make him pay rent....even just to pay the electric bill or even the groceries would be a good start.

Just my 2 cents..

I'm also with Big Foot = Join the military and take advantage of those benefits.

Inspirational story, Brent!

When I turned 18, my dad said it's time to go...  now!

I hated him for it at the time, and it caused friction between him and my mom but it was the best thing they could have done.

Since then I have returned home on occasion, each time being welcomed back, showing full support as I stumbled, trying to get into the whole life thing...  Only stipulation being I had to be working OR going to school, and contributing to the household.

19 and not contributing to the household, or society in general just isn't good for anyone, least of all the boy, (who needs to learn to be a man).

Good luck, Brother!!!

Bring him around a fish n chill, we'll set him straight around the campfire.

Inspirational story, Brent!

When I turned 18, my dad said it's time to go...  now!

I hated him for it at the time, and it caused friction between him and my mom but it was the best thing they could have done.

Since then I have returned home on occasion, each time being welcomed back, showing full support as I stumbled, trying to get into the whole life thing...  Only stipulation being I had to be working OR going to school, and contributing to the household.

19 and not contributing to the household, or society in general just isn't good for anyone, least of all the boy, (who needs to learn to be a man).

Good luck, Brother!!!

Bring him around a fish n chill, we'll set him straight around the campfire.

no advice from me bro, for i have nothing more to add, but I was the same as he.....i knew what was needed when i hit 19. = a job! 

Just wanted to add....

I was independent by the time I was a junior in High School. Held 3 part time jobs while paying rent in a 2 bedroom apartment with 3 friends (who were all in college at the time). Had to to this to prove to my mom and my sister that I was capable AND because I did not want to go back to the Phil. Islands

Hey Bro, good for you to ask for advice. Looks like you got a lot of good advice too.
I was also a tough nut to crack early on. I ended up in a few late night shouting matches with dad, and eventually ended up trying and failing to go to school at the local J.C. - a couple of times. Then got the boot out of the house. I had a crappy job that kept me in shitty weed, but was still pretty much listless.

Eventually, I made the decision to join the Air Force. That really opened my dumbass eyes up! I realized that maybe I wasn't such a screwup, that everyone had a different lot in life and that I better change cause this was the last straw.

Although these days I don't know if the military is such a wise choice, it sure kicked my butt into gear.
I realize now that what I needed was to be "successful" at something, even something not so flashy.
That sense of pride in a job well done, or the ability to help some less fortunate folks - some positive steps were
what I really needed.

I'm pretty sure there are job coaches, life counselors, etc. that could help identify his workplace strengths or educational path. He's young, and if he starts his turnaround now the sky is still the limit. He is however going to need to realize that he needs to self motivate to help himself. It wouldn't hurt to keep directly asking/telling/threatening/helping him to do something to better his position.

As we often end our well wishes to those seeking a fruitful fishing trip:
Good Luck!!!

GDang, you guys are tough!!  True story, My older brother just moved out of my parents house last year.  Paying no mortgage/rent/bills, let various chickenheads stay at the crib, and his untrained dog peed all over like it was a neighborhood fire hydrant.  BTW, he was 36 years old and by that point had had five years of gainful employment as a physician!!     It seriously takes some longer than others (in my bro's case waaaaay longer  ). 

My folks are an extreme Asian case.  In a Twilight Zone move, mom and dad said THEY were going to move out and let HIM stay.  Sis and I dissuaded them, bro bought a house, and the sun once again rises in the east.

The kid will move out w the appropriate inspiration or desperation.  Find that inflection point where pleasure of living with you is clearly outweighed by the pain, and he WILL split.  One way or another, sooner or later, he should be made to realize that his life will be so much better if he is not under your roof.  You don't have to do it immediately or even soon.  But a structured transition plan with firm milestones and consequences for failure would be really helpful.  Also, reduce that plan to a writing.  Concessions for the sake of being conciliatory only begets further excuses and delays the inevitable, i.e., kicking him out for reals.  So just help him write down a realistic plan and hold his (lazy) ass to it

a structured transition plan with firm milestones and consequences for failure would be really helpful.  Also, reduce that plan to a writing.  Concessions for the sake of being conciliatory only begets further excuses and delays the inevitable, i.e., kicking him out for reals.  So just help him write down a realistic plan and hold his (lazy) ass to it

Great advice!!

 

Sincerely,

Jim

Lot's of great advice here Andy the only things I could add are if he is online gaming cut it off and put all your expenses on a spread sheet and show him how much it costs and how much you expect him to cover and how much more in the red he gets every month he dosen't pay. Tuff Love is tuff for Moms.

In a Twilight Zone move, mom and dad said THEY were going to move out and let HIM stay.

Makes perfect sense in light of the dog piss all over the place!

Did I mention my last stay at home was 6months that turned into 5 years?

Wow! What great and thoughtful advice.  I agree with taking the games and cable and internet, cell phone. etc... away, unless he pays for it all himself.  A job or school is a must, as I got the boot at 18 and got a degree, a trade, and a house by myself by the tender age of 24  Sometimes that boot is what you need to wake up!   Also take him down to a boxing gym and see what happens.  Boxing saved my life, and really turned me around.  It's very structured and takes a lot of effort.  Sometimes just TRYING is what kids dont know how to do.  If he thinks he's a tough guy then he'll get beat up a little bit in the ring, show some respect, and try to work harder to EARN the respect of those around him.  Good luck Andy, you're a good dude and deserve some PEACE!

Andy, I know the boy has hung out at many NCKA events and hopefully does not think we're Idiots. Maybe have him read this post? We ALL can't be wrong. Tell him you value our advice and that you are so concerned about him you wanted outside opinions in case you might be wrong. just a thought. We all want good things for your family.

I thought your big boy was only 16 or 17?  Time flies, I guess!

He seems like a good kid, just needs a lil motivatin!

I thought your big boy was only 16 or 17?  Time flies, I guess!

He seems like a good kid, just needs a lil motivatin!

I don't think we're talking about Big Andrew...I think this is Brenda's son...

Sincerely,

Jim

Alright buddy, here is what I got.  Take it all with a grain of salt, I'm not married and havent been in your situation but I have been around the block a few times.  I was your average teenager but had no direction.  I ended up joining the Navy a couple months after I graduated high school.  If the man (he is 19) has no GED the military is not an option for him sadly.  If he has visible tattoos, even worse odds of joining the service now a days. 

Here is my suggestion, I heard it in a movie somewhere and it makes sense to me, and it directly translates into Mooch's signature, "Success is living the life you want."  If you won the Lotto, what would you spend the rest of your life doing?  The answer to that, is what your career path should be.  And what you will be happy doing for the next 30+ years.  When you truly love what you do for a living you will never actually "work" a day in your life.  Maybe that question will work for him?  There is something out there for everyone, finding that something is the hard part.  The journey to the answer to that question will mold him as it does the rest of us.  I wish I would have been asked that question at 19, I would probably be a sport fishing guide in Hawaii right now   Even if the answer to that question changes over time, it will keep his eye on a prize, and keep him moving forward.

I really like Yakuza's post about holding him to a time line. 

For me it was took four hard years of military service with life changing moments in those 4 years to find the answer to that question.  I hope this helps, or provokes thought, I wish you the best of luck my friend.  Please post up any help that you may need after talking to him and if I can help at all I will.

Jeff