Hunting the ever elusive Carnivourous abalone ( folklore )

friendly-folk gather round the sandy beaches of the Central Coast of California's 58 year cyclical kelp-fog calendar of synchronized events when in the fading light of the waning moonbeams the pretty glistening reddish hue's of the undulating strands of slimy kelp beds and the bug-eyed long-eared jackalopes run in rapturously dazed curlicue's down the eerily glowing phosphorescent sandy shores in close harmony with the gently lapping wavelets(Note to the casual observer---->Kelp-fog can be discerned by a slightly fungusy rotting fish stink combined with the damply fetid essences of composting bio-matter, Quite similar to Ewe De Channel stink-weed # 11-1/2!) Anywayz where was I ?? Takes another hit of the evil green erbz!! Coughs, Not a catching cold kind of cough either! Grinz lop-sidedly n continues w/my psycho-babble diatribe--->( Further note to the casual observer -->This dude has a Special affinity with psychological trauma in it's various forms!)Laughs dementedly and re-defines my personal spacial reality! pop's a couple more psyche meds and begins to smile dysfuntionally, OHH Yes the cyclical 58 year cycle! When between the mean hi-tide line and the docile margin of the low-tide line the red and green carnivorous abalone's begin to wave their sticky feeding tendrils towards the fleshy legs of hapless passing surfers and fish species alike, nothing random about that! And the sexy mono-chromatic two-footed mushrooms begin to sprout from the sub-tidal marshes and begin their frenetic steroidal mating rituals in earnest, delving with first one foot then the other thru the brownish fetid microbial litter floating scant millimeters above the brine-shrimp infested mud, Such is the Only safe period of the season to hunt the carnivorous abalone in safety! However one MUST possess the required tools of the trade as follows,#1- a kindergarten coaches whistle w/a wooden ball, The wooden ball is a very important factor in personal safety as a composite or plastic ball differs in shrillness! A vital issue when dealing with blood hungry ocean life! # 2- a blue hued laser-light long enuf to be held comfortably betwixt the lips, #3 a left-handed red laser light to be duct-taped to the top half of the third finger of the left hand and finally #4- a gunny-sack and three gunny's to adorn its bottom-most area--->( note to casual consumer--->Gunny's may NOT be available in your local area if in fact that is the case consult with the guy leaning over the first farm fence u come to on any rural road! He can usually be discerned by the blade of barley wheat or oats hanging from his bottom lip and the ever nefarious ten-gallon farmers hat!) Tell the man u are in desperate need of three sightless gunny's and U'd prefer them to be handed to u in a brown paper bag folded twice from the top for your personal safety while driving! Sightless gunny's crawling around inside the passenger compartment of your vehicle can be hazardous to your health and also to casual pedestrians! Remember when transferring sightless gunny's to gunny-sack that top of gunny-sack fits snugly around paper sack! Plus the virtual yearly fishing license and a state approved left-handed measuring device to be duct-taped to the under-side third finger on your left hand making certain when gunny-sack is held in the catch position that the bottom gunnies are securely transfixed by it's beam! Good Hunting! For guided hunting trips ask most any hayseed if he seems to have sprouted from the earth upon which he stands and don't dicker about his asking price or the fact that he may request u be blindfolded to access his special hunting grounds!
 
Yours truly: The Cosmic Neanderthal

WTF?!???


 

 

some people just say "hi, wannna fish"

Thanks for the read

WTF?!???


 

  

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=r8pEKwVl9tA&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dr8pEKwVl9tA

Ummm... Huh!?

I wanna fish with you. 
Eat some mushrooms first, though.  Lol

on the calendar.

Huh, Gunnies... We have snipe up here in Nor-cal... Haven't run into this myth set before. Fun read and can't wait to meet/fish with you... Ought to be a riot! See ya, hayseed farmer

I'm in!

Whoa... far out...