FUNNY STUFF......

 

 

 
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ”I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally….I assumed you had stolen the car.”

Conversation with a Congressman

Airplane-16A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
Oh, I don’t know,” said the congressman. “How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?” as he smiled smugly.

“OK,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don’t know shit?”

And then she went back to reading her book.

The Shredder

A young engineer who graduated with distinction, was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the Acting CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, “I just need one copy.”

Lesson: Never, ever presume that your boss knows what he’s doing.

Osprey takes a fish and a Blue Crab for a ride. - mark smith photography

Osprey takes a fish and a Blue Crab for a ride. - mark smith photography

Never give up 

 

Celebrity quotes

Britney Spears
“I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.”
“I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish. And I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.”

Jessica Simpson
“Is this chicken or is this fish? I know it’s tuna but it says ‘chicken by the sea’.”

Tara Reid
“I’m sounding worse than Jessica Simpson right now. She’s looking like a rock scientist.”

Christina Aguilera
“So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?”

Alicia Silverstone
“I think that the film ‘Clueless’ was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it’s true lightness.”

Justin Bieber
“German? I don’t know what that means … we don’t say that in America.”

Tyra Banks
“I close my eyes while driving and just sing along. I always open them again in time.”

Donald Trump
“If there is one word to describe Atlantic City, it’s Big Business.”

Axl Rose
“It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.”

Naomi Campbell
“I look at [modeling] as something I’m doing for black people in general.”

Kanye West
“My greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.”

Mariah Carey
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”

Paris Hilton
“What’s Wal-Mart? Do they sell, like wall stuff?”

Brooke Shields
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”

 

 

These are our future leaders

The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination. 
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)…………and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large  pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and kayakers

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs      (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery   (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow  (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..    (wtf!)   
                                             
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium  (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.  (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.  (OMG)

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight   (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head