FUNNY STUFF......

 

Paraprosdokian

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first  part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.
 
Ø   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
 
Ø    Do not argue with an idiot He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
 
Ø    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 
Ø    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
 
Ø    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
 
Ø    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 
Ø    If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
 
Ø    We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
 
Ø    War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
 
Ø    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
 
Ø    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 
Ø    Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
 
Ø    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
 
Ø    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
 
Ø    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
 
Ø    Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
 
Ø    Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
 
Ø   I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
 
Ø    A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
 
Ø    Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
 
Ø    I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
 
Ø    I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
 
Ø    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
 
Ø    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
 
Ø    Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
 
Ø    Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman..
 
Ø    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
Ø    You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
 
Ø    The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
 
Ø    Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
 
Ø    A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
 
Ø    Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
 
Ø    Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
 
Ø    I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
 
Ø    Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
 
Ø    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
 
Ø    I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
 
Ø    When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
 
Ø    You're never too old to learn something stupid.
 
Ø    To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
 
Ø    Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 
Ø    Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
 
Ø    A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
 
Ø    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.