Affairs of the Heart

This isn't about kayakfishing, but the same energy that I put into our beloved sport is also behind this report.  The begining of this story is hard to pinpoint, because many aspects of my life have changed over the course of its progression.  I have a heart condition called atrial fibrillation.  Over the past several years I experienced more and more frequent episodes of afib lasting from a few moments to a couple of days straight, and each time I would 'convert' back to a normal rhythm on my own.  As the episodes increased in frequency I sought the help of my family doctor and then cardiologists.  An echocardiogram was administered and I was relieved to be told that I have no underlying heart disease.  My afib was LAF, or lone atrial fibrillation, and it had a mysterious cause as well as an uncertain progression.  At the point that I consulted the docs three and four years ago I was having a few bouts of afib a year, and I was told by an expert in the field that it would likely progress to a daily condition.  Fortunately for me, my afib didn't debilitate me.  Instead of a very rapid atrial rhythm, mine was a 'wonky' one where constant skipped, doubled or slow beats in the upper chambers of my heart were relatively unremarkable as my ventricles continued to do the work to keep me walking, talking, working, hiking, paddling, fishing and all the rest of what I do.  I knew though that I had an increased chance of having a stroke due to clotting that can occur during the inefficient functioning of the heart.  For the past two years I've had daily bouts of afib, but all that time I did my best to prevent it from disrupting my regular activities.  I couldn't do quite what I wanted to on the soccer field, but close.  I could paddle the miles, and sweating a bit more seemed to be the only change from my normal life.  I was of course very closely monitoring my condition - marking my calendar each day to record the data that reflected my experience.  I have always been able to feel my heart beating at all times (other than when on a bumpy road or something lke that), and I have come to know that is somewhat rare.  I would feel myself go into and out of afib whether I was lying in bed, paddling, working, or whatever I was doing - it would wake me up if I was sleeping, and I'd go back to sleep with it, hoping it would be a short stint.  For a long time I told myself that it was not affecting me, but I knew it was.  My pride is so damn strong - too strong maybe - that I put myself into denial about how it was truly altering my life.  I kept drinking my beer, staying up late and getting up early if I wanted, paddling 15 miles solo on the ocean...etc., etc., etc., and I'm glad I did.  Eventually though I had to come to terms with how the condition was taking over my pscyhe.  I always had an excuse to do what I wanted, and I was fortunate enough to have extremely strong family, work and home structures around which I could schedule my relief.  Doing what you want is relief, and, believe me, I do feel very fortunate to have been able to focus on relief as a lifestyle!  It's been two years now that I've had daily afib, and, like I said, in the past few months I've come to know that my life has been significantly altered by not only having this condition, but also very much by how I've reacted to it.  I mean to inform the reader here - you are my friends; this is my community - but I also want to make it known that I have realized what an incredible inspiration I have achieved through this illness!  Feeling like you are compromised is tough - especially for me, someone with an ego that probably surpasses my fitness, intelligence, skills and intuition!  But when you're compromised in a way that still allows you to max out your reserves there's something incredibly unique that can occur - it's about the lengths that I went to achieve a fullness in my life!  I am stubborn as hell.  I felt that cutting short my activities in the name of preserving myself - in the face of a mysterious ailment where I was told there was basically nothing wrong with me BUT I could die! - I felt that cutting anything short was cheating myself of the very quality of life that I would somehow be hoping to be saving.  It's a paradox, and I do recognize the selfishness in the way that I chose to steamroll through it.  There were other things that occurred during my progression into daily afib:  my Dad was suddenly stricken with cancer and I was able to assist him through the end of his life, all the while relating my feelings and a very profound experience in a blog; my children were growing up; I had achieved a tenured and flexible position in my work; and I was developing some very cool shit on this site!  These aspects of my life all played in to how I reacted to and worked through having the condition, and my choices to wear my emotions on my sleeve, push Love, strive for growth and humility, and to do my best to inspire others were all greatly affected by having the afib more and more frequently.  If you're sick and you feel like shit isn't it true that when you do feel better you're on top of the world?  That's what I'm talking about - I was inspired in that way on a regular basis!  But there was a dark side too - I feel so very fortunate to even be able to describe it that way.  The half-full part of this mess was that I could use it for inspiration and a positive flow of energy through my entire life.  The other part of it could've as easily been my focus.  I don't want to ramble too long on that - it's very very personal and real information, and I want you to digest it and know that it's my gift to you.  "Don't try this at home."  But god damnit, please know that you always have a choice about how you live - no matter what.

A few months back I figured out that I'd put it off long enough.  The frequency of the condition and the realization of how it did negatively affect my mood and motivations was hitting home.  It was time to go back to the docs.  I was able to quickly navigate what I'd feared would be a devastating 'mill' of Dr. visits, co-payments, unwanted meds, lack of answers,...etc.  I was, again, fortunate to be able to achieve my goal - I got a date with an expert in the Bay Area and had a procedure known as ablation.  It's been just over 80 hours now since they cut into my femoral artery, inserted a super-sci-fi catheter/camera/cutter/burner up into my heart and scorched the nerve endings that were misfiring and causing my condition.  I've been free of afib for longer than I had been for the past two years!  It could still come back, and I keep myself prepared for that.  "Don't be depressed if you do get it in the coming weeks" my doc told me.  I feel good, and other than being told not to lift over 5 pounds for a week, being on a blood thinner for 3 months, and generally dealing with what actually amounted to relatively minor post-op conditions, I am feeling like a million bucks right now!  Thank you!  Thank you all so much for allowing me to be very open and quite over the top here - it's all real, and it all comes from my heart!  That's the irony of the entire situation, and I would not have it any other way.

My son is nine - Collin is his name.  I love that boy with all of my being.  He has his mother's subdued emoting, and that is proper - you should actually have to grow up and have bonafide excuses to be a freak like me!  But I know that he is a very deep feeling soul.  My traveling down south with their mother didn't seem to phase either of my kids - Claire is 12 and quite hardy - but Collin is at an innocent age and has a very tender nature.  I suspected that my situation may have him feeling anxious and unsure, but he would not show it.  The morning we were to leave town for the procedure the kids gave me hugs as they went on to school with their mom - there was no fretting, no tears; just "bye, Dad".  And that is how it should be - even though I was telling myself that I was ready if I did end up that 1 in 400 that ends up croaking on the table during such a procedure under general anesthesia.  We kept in touch with the kids for the two days we were down below, and the reports were good - kids all normal, no problems, no worries that could be detected.  When we returned home my wife and I split at her school as I drove my truck home where Claire was hanging out on her own for the afternoon, and my wife went to her folks' place for Collin.  I arrived home and got a nice hug from Claire - she's so damn grown up at 12!  She told me about what was going on with her, and it was almost at the level of an aside that I told her of my procedure and that all went well.  I was upstairs changing my clothes when Lisa soon arrived with Collin.  I saw him out the window and said, "hey, Coll!"  What would've usually been a matter of fact "Hi, Dad" was instead an instantaneous sprint toward the back door, up the hallway and up the stairs!  He stopped short though, "what are you doing, Dad?"  "I'm changing, Buddy"  "OK, tell me when you're done."  I quickly got my shorts and a t-shirt on and called to him.  He ran up and into my arms and hugged me like no one has ever hugged me!  OMG, it was one of the greatest moments of my life!!  I kissed him on the top of the head and kept an air of calm and happiness, not wanting him to see how moved I was for fear that he'd think there was something to be upset about.  The fact that he was worried about me and so relieved to have me home safely is one of the greatest validations a parent can recieve.  The way I live my life is not to be edgy, dangerous, reckless or callous to the consequences of my actions - it is to create relationships of Love within an experience where I do not compromise that experience for fear of an uncertain future.  Kayakfishing, my home, my family and this community have helped me find a path where I can be content with my actions and where I can press forward with intentional focus on using Love to inspire myself and others.  I would have it no other way.  Thank you again.  I look forward to getting back on the water soon.   

Eric You are one amazing guy. You have operated at epic statis with a condition that would have slowed any mortal. Now that you been repaired, superman best watch out. We ALL love you buddy!!!
dave...

Hi Eric,

We've known each other for about 6 years now and I always envy your life style and enjoyed reading your trip reports.  Thank you for sharing your life experience with us and you always have the support from our community.   I'll pray for your speedy recovery so you can continue live your life to the fullest.

Sonny

Speedy recovery my friend.

Much love to you brother Eric. If everybody had a heart like yours, the surgeons would be swamped but the world would definately be a better place.

Glad you got that taken care of bro.
You and your family deserve a healthy Eric!

Wishing you a fast and healthy recovery, Eric!

Stay positive and you will feel strong.  Yes, life is good. Take care and best wishes.

All the best on your recovery Eric. If you aren't able to crab the opener shoot me a message and I'll drop off some crab and a Sierra Nevada

Glad all went well. My son also had a succesfull heart oblation a few weeks ago at ucla. My wife is a rn heart nurse that works with kids so she was terrified.  He had a resting heart rate of 160.  This site is like a big exteneded family and I'm glad you shared that with us. Get well soon.

Thank you for sharing this Eric....you and I have communicated offline a little about this and I was so glad when you responded to my text letting me know the procedure had gone well!!

Will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers and wishing you a very speedy recovery, and I'm already looking forward to your next report.

 

 

Sincerely,

Jim

Eric,
Really good news all around, Thanks for sharing such a heart felt episode in your life, something to be learned for each of us.

Wishing all the best for you and your Family

Dale

Right on Eric, that's a great write up there. I wish you a speedy recovery, and am looking forward to the next time we meet. Take care buddy.

Thanks for sharing with us Eric, I have great respect for you as a person and your attitude and spirit towards life, no matter what is thrown at you.

Roger

Thanks for sharing this Eric. A beautiful moment indeed.  Your story reminds me to stay active and enjoy every minute I can, while I can. Wishing you a  healthy recovery