The never ending wakeboard boat conundrum..

I think we've all had our run ins while fishing of some knuckle heads in a wakeboard boat and how they use us as slalom cones. Well it's no different in the NW and one of the members of NWKA wrote a funny piece I think y'all might enjoy.

I give you AndyJade.
"Got off work early yesterday, and bolted to the garage to retrieve the paddleboard.  It had been a few days, and I needed to log some miles.  The day was hitting the upper 80s, and I was welcoming the thought of cool water.  The 76 station by my house was showing prices that didn't encourage long distance travel, and, being in Beaverton, I was weighing destinations on the west side.  Somewhere on Sauvie?  God no.  Drunken teenagers and a flotilla of pleasure craft.  Finally get up to Barney and hope to catch some glass?  Nah, I haven't dialed in the directions, and didn't wanna lose time by wandering the backroads of the  Coast Range.  Are those banjos getting closer?  Hagg?  Ugh, it is close, but the wakeboarders will totally be shredding their gnar all over the place.  But it is close.  And half of it is wake free.  Man, it's roasting in this garage.  Hagg it is.  Besides, the market there has cheap tall boys of Tecate.  I will need to hydrate after this session.

After parking at the group picnic area, I grabbed the board and walked down to the beach.  A leathery soul in a gold bikini drunkenly shouts, "Surf's up, dude."  No, it's not.  Thanks, though.  Your swimsuit is also showing some things that are not up, either.

Put into the cove and paddled out, hoping to make a decent lap of the no wake area.  A half hour goes by, and the plan is going well.  There do seem to be a lot of wakeboard boats in the no wake area, though.  I move closer to shore and continue my lap.  A few vessels circle about, and most are towing kids on inflatables.  They're going slow, and I'm sure that the law isn't around to enforce speed limits today.  Get past the halfway point, and begin my turn to cross the lake along the buoy line.  I'm still along the shore, and I begin to hear the bumping subwoofers of a totally b1tchin' wakeboard boat.  I glance in its direction, and put my feet into the air to signify my existence.  The bumping gets louder, and I begin to vaguely recognize the music as Purple Smoke on the Stairway to Freebird.  Oh, cool, if I had a wakeboard boat, I'd paint it neon yellow, too.  These are my people.  They seem to recognize a like soul, and begin to come closer.

As my new friends come into view, I see that they are as predicted.  Three shirtless guys with totally sweet tribal tattoos are hanging off of the boat.  Is that the driver hanging off the starboard side?  Cool!  Yep, we're now friends; they are within thirty feet or so.  And coming in fast.  They proceed to do a sort of hockey-esque slide and stop, and send a wave careening my way.  Then take off to the hallowed call of "Surf's up motherf@#$%r!!!!"

I do my best to angle into the wave, but get hit nearly broadside.  The water washes over me, but I keep my balance.  I also hear a knocking sound.  I open my eyes, and see that my totally rad new friends have inadvertently left me a present.  Upon the deck of my board, just fore of the deckpad, sits a barely flopping 3" catfish.  Poor little fellow must have been cruising near the surface when I was informed that the surf was, in fact, up.  He didn't have much life in him, so I rolled the board a bit, and sent him over the side.  Now, it was probably some scrub fish that ya'all refer to as a sucker, or mudfish, or whatever.  He was dark brown with an orange belly.  Whiskers, and kind of adorable in a small animal sort of way.

If only he was 2 feet long and pre-seasoned with a cajun rub.  My Tecate would have complimented him nicely.  Oh well.  Maybe I'll make better friends next time."

Aj is quite the prolific writer so answers a call from another member who wants to subscribe to his newsletter
AndyJade:
"Thank you for realizing the wisdom contained within the Teat of Jade.  Leave four 24oz cans of Modelo in Tanner Creek, and mark the locale with two Tillamook Big Dad Beef Sticks.   Then place an ear to the ground and listen for a bassline resembling those found on Korn or Limp Biskit albums.  Follow the sound to the source.  Use your kayak.  You will then see two shirtless dudes comparing bicep tattoos.  Punch the biggest one in the face, and the smaller one will leap overboard.  Scour their boat for additional beer.  If it's Heineken Light, leave it as fuel for the upcoming fire.   Next, try and locate any Asian ladies on the boat.  This is important.  You'll be returning to Tanner Creek soon, and I'm gonna be pissy if you come sans Asian ladies.  Secure the Asian ladies and beer to your kayak.  Enter the kayak and light up a Backwoods brand cigar.  These can be found at the Lakestop Grocery.  Enjoy the cigar.  Don't be an, ass, though; offer some to your new ship mates.  When done smoking, flick the butt into the wakeboard boat.  The fumes from the previous inhabitant's Axe body spray will ignite, and you can then begin paddling back to Tanner Creek.  When I see the flames, I will emerge from the woods - drunk and possibly soiled - and sign you up for the newsletter.

Again, thank you for your interest."

 

Thanks Zee, I needed that!

Terrific read!  I like his style.

Michael

funny sh#t, made my morning, the wakeboarders next door are probably thinking the old guy next door has lost his mind with all the maniacal laughing coming from there, cameron

Thanks Zee!!!  That's a great read and I can visualize the whole scenario perfectly!!

Rich

  The discovery bay of the north west. They are EVERYWHERE!

Thanks Zee! AndyJade's DaKine Loco Local. All bases covered on the man needs right there. Redyak man likes Tall Canz.

Redyak man likes Tall Canz.

werd!

Zee....at first I thought this dude is a kook, as it turns out he's pure genius.  I got the beer covered....and I punched myself in the face for drinking a Heineken light once (completely not my fault, I was already hammered when I downed it so that goes in plastered off my @ss file....right after pissing on a SF police station wall but before the motorboatin a very unattractive chick at San Jose's version of Mardi Gras.) I am facing a bit of a challenge fulfilling the rest of his request, the freakin asian broads keep fightin their way out of the fedex box as soon as the chloroform wears off.  How the efff do I get them there?

PS....tell Mr Jade that the aholes vehicle is probably pretty easy to spot in the lot.  The trailer is likely as obnoxiously yellow as the boat and their lifted F-250 has oakley and mastercraft stickers all over the rear window.  Once it is located there is all kinds of fun to be had.     

Zee

Thanks for the post. Love the writing style. Reminds me of PJ. I fly a flag to ward off boaters but it doesnt work with the yahoos. May be rolling north next year. Would like to try your home made furukake. Let's hookup.

scott

Funny stuff.  I don't get the part about Asian ladies though.  Is that part of the wakeboard boat stereotype?  Where I paddle, most of the wakeboarding ladies are tramp stamped Slavs.

Funny stuff.  I don't get the part about Asian ladies though.

That's just his personal preference.  

Zee....at first I thought this dude is a kook, as it turns out he's pure genius.  I got the beer covered....and I punched myself in the face for drinking a Heineken light once (completely not my fault, I was already hammered when I downed it so that goes in plastered off my @ss file....right after pissing on a SF police station wall but before the motorboatin a very unattractive chick at San Jose's version of Mardi Gras.) I am facing a bit of a challenge fulfilling the rest of his request, the freakin asian broads keep fightin their way out of the fedex box as soon as the chloroform wears off.  How the efff do I get them there?

PS....tell Mr Jade that the aholes vehicle is probably pretty easy to spot in the lot.  The trailer is likely as obnoxiously yellow as the boat and their lifted F-250 has oakley and mastercraft stickers all over the rear window.  Once it is located there is all kinds of fun to be had.     

Zee
Thanks for the post. Love the writing style. Reminds me of PJ. I fly a flag to ward off boaters but it doesnt work with the yahoos. May be rolling north next year. Would like to try your home made furukake. Let's hookup.
scott

Anytime Scott. If you can, try to make it in the July-Oct range as that's when the salmon action really gets going. It goes Chinook, Pink, Coho, Chum... and then there's steelhead.. Just gimme the word.

Z

damn haha thats messed up 

iseem to remember a post with advice wrt to wake boarders. lay out a coupla hundred feet of floating nylon cord around your zone (preferably the same color as the water you are in). their props love that stuff