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2017 AOTY/DOTY Entry

Topic: FUNNY STUFF......  (Read 263933 times)

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sackyak

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This is true.

I took Natalie and her friend Sara out trick or treating yesterday evening and as we walked and talked, her friend commented that her neighbor was always working on his kayak.  My interest increased and I asked if it was wood?  Yes.  I did not think she would know what a fishing kayak looked like so I asked "Is it a sit-on-top or sit-inside?"

Sara answered, "It just sits in the yard."  :smt005
Etienne


HobieSport

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Sara wins the prize for coining the acronym: SIY:

Sit In Yard.

It's a special kind of kayak.





Fisherman X

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A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party.


He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg
so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:



Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief
Will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just
right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.



The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his
wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by
and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:



Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your
Wooden leg and, with your bald head , you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.



Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing
his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the
company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small
parcel and a note, which reads:



Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your
wooden leg up your a** and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co
-Success is living the life you want-
Joel ><>


mickfish

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Group IQ is inversely proportional to the size of the group.

A Steelhead always knows where he is going, but a Man seldom does.


ZeeHawk

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Forget the one liners.. Use your low-key intro and start chattin' to that hottie and her friends. Things go so-so? Don't worry, write you name and number on the back of this and I'm pretty sure you'll get a call back. ;)
Z


You can buy 'em here: www.customreceipts.com



mooch

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Very nice Z  :smt002  I'm ordering a dozen  :smt003


Big J

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For you duck hunters...stay focused!
2007 Kayak Connection Father's Day Freshwater Derby Champion, Women's Division

Time and trouble will tame an advanced young woman, but an advanced old woman is uncontrollable by any earthly force.


mooch

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Barbie Dolls....

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly
 remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy
 shop and asks the salesperson, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the
 display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have:
 Work Out Barbie for $19.95,
 Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
 Beach Barbie for $19.95,
 Disco Barbie for $19.95,
 Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
 Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
 Skater Barbie for $19.95,
 and Divorced Barbie for $265.95"

The amazed father asks: "You what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95
 and the others only $19.95?

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir...,
 Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's
 Furniture, Ken's Computer.


Usagi

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New Barbies

Now, at long last some new Barbie dolls to coincide with her ageing gracefully.

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too)! Neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus with tummy support panels are included!

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, and then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. With mini van in robins-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with orange slices  and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do"

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $265.95. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Single Mother Barbie. There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken, Jr, in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.

11. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does twelve steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.

12. Post Menopausal Barbie. Poor Babs wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, she comes with the book, "Getting in Touch with Your Inner Self."
 
You don't quit playing because you get old, you get old because you quit playing...


Usagi

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A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" he asked. She replies, "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do to them what I do for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" his wife screamed. He answered, "Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"
You don't quit playing because you get old, you get old because you quit playing...


Usagi

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Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"



*That one always cracks me up, even though my mother-in-law is a sweet woman.  Of course, she does live all the way over in Japan...
You don't quit playing because you get old, you get old because you quit playing...


Usagi

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One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing.

To which the boy replied, "Yes, ma'am, he did. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
You don't quit playing because you get old, you get old because you quit playing...


Usagi

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Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War. Could you help me?"

"Of course, my son," Jesus said. And, when he touched the man's back he felt relief for the first time in years.

The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving , asked if Jesus could do anything about his poor eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively. "Don't touch me!" he cried. "I'm on a disability pension."
You don't quit playing because you get old, you get old because you quit playing...


Usagi

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The other day I told my wife, "Hey baby, I'm going fishing this Saturday, so I hope you didn't make any plans for us."

She got this thoughtful look and said, "It's funny when you hear one thing, and it reminds you of something else completely unrelated.  Like fishing and penises"

I gave her a strange look, and asked, "How in the heck is a penis like fishing?

She said, "Well, the small ones you throw back, the medium-sized ones you eat, and the really big ones you mount."

My wife is weird.
You don't quit playing because you get old, you get old because you quit playing...


ZeeHawk

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