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2017 AOTY/DOTY Entry

Topic: FUNNY STUFF......  (Read 264954 times)

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FisHunter

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I'd like to dedicate this joke to my two favorite NCKA Mexicans.....Pacifico and Fish Hunter :smt008



A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He
puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face.

"Mom, look, I'm a white boy."

His mom slaps him in the face and says "Go show your father". He goes
to his dad in the living room and says

"Look dad, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and
says "Go show your grandmother."

The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says
"Mira, abuelita, I'm a white boy " His grandmother slaps him in the
face and sends him back to his mother.

His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?" To which the
boy replies,

"Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate
you Mexicans."

Funny guy huh?...I'm half WHITEBOY TOO!...and there are times I sway back and forth, which ever is the most convienent for that moment.   a small benefit for being a 1/2 breed!   
Be Safe, Not Sorry = B'ropeUpFool!

Winner of nothing but goodtimes with good friends.


Ifish2

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TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL  BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM.  THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE." THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS   DEAD!"

"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."  HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."

  " A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A   LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE  FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..... :smt044


Sin Coast

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Did you guys hear about the baby that was born at Community Hospital of Monterey Peninsula last week?


Apparently, he was born without eyelids!!!
Well, they managed to use some of the excess skin from his circumcision to create new eyelids for him.




He is fine now, albiet a little bit COCKEYED!!!
Photobucket Sucks!

 Team A-Hulls

~old enough to know better, young enough to not care~


mooch

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From Mike / Mickfish


FISHING OR SEX?????

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.

Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I'll build her a new deck for the pool.

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 AM. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear a sweater."


mooch

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Another one from Mike / Mickfish

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep

down , I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out

again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my kayak which I keep next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Kayak, that I noticed a small hole in the side just above the water line.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

 

Sincerely ,
NCKA member  :smt003

 


PISCEAN

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 :smt044 :smt044 :smt044
Good one Mooch...er Mickfish! Its all about priorities.
pronounced "Pie-see-in"
***
"Every day is a fishing day, but not every day is a catching day"-Countryman
***
sponsored by: Piscean Artworks "Fish Tribal!"
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Randomness rules the universe. Perseverance is the only path to success..but luck sometimes works too.


Pacifico

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I'd like to dedicate this joke to my two favorite NCKA Mexicans.....Pacifico and Fish Hunter :smt008

Just noticed this...funny stuff.  No swayin' here, I is what I is.  :smt003

Rub-cifico


mooch

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From Usagi


A man is out in his row boat when suddenly a passing speed boat raises huge waves and the man's oars fall overboard! He is stranded out in the middle of the lake!

After about two hours, he sees another row boat going by with a man and two women in it! The first man yells, "Hey buddy, can I borrow one of your oars?" The other man yells back,

"They're not whores ... they're my sisters!"


Frankfishing

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A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an
oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they
stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise
and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person
one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what
the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps
His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to
be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the
wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be
gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the
last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is
rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what
his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and
says:

"Make 'em all ugly again."

NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE. BE HAPPY

Blessed are the Cracked,
For they are the Ones
Who let in the Light!
 :smt044


Usagi

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Three nuns die and, naturally, go to heaven.  They're met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter, who tells them that before they can be admitted they must first pass a small test...a mere formality, really, but protocol is protocol.

Having said that, Saint Peter turns to the first nun and asks her, "What is the name of the first woman God placed on Earth?"  The nun thinks for only a moment before answering "Why, that would be Eve."

Saint Peter says, "That's correct!", and the clouds part, trumpets blare, and the first nun walks up into heaven.

Saint Peter then turns to the second nun, and asks her "Alright, what is the name of the first man God placed upon Earth?"  The nun quickly answers "Adam!  It's Adam!".

Saint Peter says, "That's correct!", and the clouds part, trumpets blare, and the second nun walks up into heaven.

Finally, Saint Peter turns to the third nun, and says, "Now your question will be a little more difficult, but have faith in the Lord and you'll do fine.  Your question is; what did the first woman on Earth say to the first man on Earth, the first time they met?"

The third nun looks stricken, closes her eyes tightly and says, "Oh my...that's a hard one..."
 
Saint Peter says, "That's correct!", and the clouds part, trumpets blare, and she walks up into heaven.
You don't quit playing because you get old, you get old because you quit playing...


Usagi

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To celebrate today being "International Talk Like A Pirate Day"...

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

****

A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle.  While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth.  This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.  Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!"   The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals.  Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances. The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!!  Now we're goon to hav't pee in the boat."

****

Q: What's a pirate's favorite coffee spot?




A: Starrrrrrrbucks


****

A young man is captured by pirates and is persuaded to join the crew rather than walk the plank. After a few weeks at sea the captain speaks to the man and asks him how he is getting on. The man replies that on the whole he is enjoying things - the rum-soaked drinking binges, the plundering, etc - but there was one thing missing.

"What's that?" asks the captain.
"Well, there are no women" replies the man.

"Arrr" says the captain "Follow me!" The man follows the captain to what appears to be a barrel, on top of the barrel stands a coconut with a face drawn on and a few strands of wispy straw for hair. On the barrel is a crude outline of a woman's body and between the legs is a bung hole. "We calls her Carmen," says the captain, "and you may take her as you will". The man explains that he was unlikely to make use of her and goes on his way.

However, as the months go by with no respite, Carmen appears more and more attractive to the young man. Finally he can resist her no longer and the man has his wicked way with Carmen the rum barrel. To his amazement the experience is far more satisfying than he could ever have imagined!

The next day the captain greets him again. "How did you get on with Carmen then, lad?" he asks eagerly. The man replies "Rather better than I thought... actually, it was rather good!"

"Good," says the captain, a great beaming smile splitting his black-bearded face. "It's your turn in the barrel tomorrow!"

 :smt003

You don't quit playing because you get old, you get old because you quit playing...


Jeffrm20

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An expedition kayaker gets lost in a chain of deserted islands. Paddling well after sunset he finally camps on a sandy beach. He wakes up and notices the sand is dark red. The sky is dark red. He walks around and sees that there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.

"Oh no!" he says, "I've been marooned!"


------------------------------------------


Boat attendant: Come in kayak number 9, your time is up. 
I repeat: come in kayak number 9, your time is up.
Kayak number 9 your time is up. Please come in!
For the last time, kayak number 9 will you ... ah ... kayak number 6, do you need assistance?

-------------------------------------------

You May Be a Paddler If

-you can't drive over a bridge without looking for water under it

-you love it when it rains during the week


-you lean to the right whilst turning left on your bicycle


-you tie down the boat better than you seatbelt in the kids.

-your friends or relatives are shocked when you answer the phone at home on a
weekend.


 -you measure major purchases relative to the cost of a new boat...('Hmmm, that new computer will cost me about 2 kayak units')

-when your non boating friends visit your home or your car they ask "Do you have dogs?"

-you leave your glasses strap on at night
-you visit Niagara Falls and think "That'd need an overstern."

-the dog you bought after your friends last visited loves to roll in your pile of paddling clothes.

-you no longer find a shirt and tie uncomfortable as both are more tolerable than dry cag neck seals

-you are fascinated by the recirculation of water in the sink when you turn the tap on full blast

-you find yourself kicking the clutch pedal when driving instead of using the steering wheel

-you approach a car parking space at a 45 degree angle, crash into the kerb, leap out and attempt to sling the car over your shoulder.

----------------------------------------------

The Top Ten Ways The Sport Would Be Different If Microsoft Built Kayaks:

10. A particular model year of kayak wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before.

9. Every time you wanted to try a new paddle, you would have to buy a new kayak.

8. Occasionally your kayak would stop dead in the water for no apparent cause. No amount of paddling would budge it. You would have to tow it back to the launch site and restart your kayak. For some strange reason, you would simply just accept this.

7. Two people could not both paddle your kayak unless you paid extra for a '95 kayak or NT kayak in which case you would also have to buy an extra seat and expensive new charts.

6. A sophisticated marketing blitz would make you feel like a second-rate tasteless slacker for failing to upgrade your kayak. OOPS -- wait a minute -- that's ALREADY happening.

5. Sun Microsystem would make a kayak with 70% less hull drag, half the weight, watertight in all conditions and twice as stable. Unfortunately, it could be used on only 5% of the existing rivers.

4.Your Microsoft kayak's compass, weather radio, and sump pump would be replaced with a single "General Kayak Fault" warning light.

3. The enthusiast press would get people excited about the "new" features of Microsoft kayaks, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.

2. Microsoft's inconsiderable owners manual would spawn a whole cottage industry of outsiders who would write hundreds of books explaining how to paddle your Microsoft kayak. Amazingly, we would buy all they printed.

1. If you wanted to go kayaking in a group with your club members or friends (known as Network Kayaking). EVERYONE in the group will have BUY special group kayaking accessories however, only one member of the group (known as the kaysysop) would have the foggiest notion of exactly what they did and no one else would be permitted operate them

----------------------------------------------------


mickfish

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Thanks for the Funnies today is a day of remembrance for our family of my sons best friend who was a Pirate from Kitergarden to the day he past. Nobody enjoys a good time more than a Pirate. Your jokes made me think of The Jade Pirate. Here's a few more.




a little kid with a speech impediment dresses up as a pirate and goes trick or treating. he knocks on the door of a house and a man answers. "oh, i can see you're dressed up as a pirate." the man says. "but where are your buccaneers?" the kid gets really mad, and says "on the sides of my buckin' head!"

What does a bleached blonde and a pirate have in common?
A little black patch.

What does a Dyslexic Pirate Say?
RRAAAAAAAAAAA!

To err is human.
To ARRR is pirate.

What does a pirate and a pimp have in common?
They both say YO HO!




« Last Edit: September 19, 2007, 10:15:47 PM by mickfish »
Group IQ is inversely proportional to the size of the group.

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ZeeHawk

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ZeeHawk

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"My stance on world diplomacy?"