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2017 AOTY/DOTY Entry

Topic: FUNNY STUFF......  (Read 265469 times)

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mooch

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> > > > > >Subject: Fwd: FW: DIVORCE
> > > > > >
> > > > > >>
> > > > > >>SMILE, WHEN YOU SAY THAT!
> > > > > >>
> > > > > >>A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60
>miles
> > > > > >>per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly
>looks
> > > > > >>across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been
> > > > > >>married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
> > > > > >>
> > > > > >>The wife says nothing,
> > > > > >>
> > > > > >>Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed
>to
> > > > > >>65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and
>talk
> > > > > >>me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with
> > > > > >>your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."
> > > > > >>
> > > > > >>Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more
> > > > > >>tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck.
>"I
> > > > > >>want the house," he says insistently..
> > > > > >>
> > > > > >>Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.
> > > > > >>
> > > > > >>85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the
> > > > > >>credit cards and the boat!"
> > > > > >>
> > > > > >>The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
> > > > > >>This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything
>you
> > > want?"
> > > > > >>
> > > > > >>The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
> > > > > >>
> > > > > >>"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
> > > > > >>
> > > > > >>"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you
> > > > > >>
> > > > > >>Got?"
> > > > > >>
> > > > > >>
> > > > > >>
> > > > > >>Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to
>him
> > > > > >>and smiles.
> > > > > >>
> > > > > >>"The airbag."


mickfish

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Fish are strange creatures. They're even more unpredictable than women - and that's going some.
Group IQ is inversely proportional to the size of the group.

A Steelhead always knows where he is going, but a Man seldom does.


Bigfoot

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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
> life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub
> for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I
> won the prize for the Best toast of the night". She said, "Aye, did ye now.
> And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
> life, sitting in church beside me wife." Oh, that is very nice indeed,
> John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies
> on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the
> prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said,
> "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been
> there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time
> I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Bigfoot
Randall Ray Nelums
Cell (510) 305 0471


Mahi

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A guy gets a call from his blond girlfriend. She tells him she has a new puzzle of a tiger and all of the pieces are spread out all over the kitchen table. She says she can't figure out how to put it together and asks him to come home and help.

When he gets home, he finds her looking at a box with a drawing of Tony The Tiger, with the table covered with Frosted Flakes.


mickfish

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Blond driving across the Calif desert sees another Blond sitting in a Kayak trying to paddle across the sand. She stops and rolls down her window and yells "hey your the type that gives us blonds a bad name". "If I could swim I would come kick your A$$".
Group IQ is inversely proportional to the size of the group.

A Steelhead always knows where he is going, but a Man seldom does.


mooch

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mooch

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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
> >
> > Rule One:
> > If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
> > package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
> >
> > Rule Two:
> > You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her,
so
> > long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot
keep
> > your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them
for
> you.
> >
> > Rule Three: > > I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age
to
> > wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
their
> > hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your
> friends
> > are
> > complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about
this
> > issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with
your
> > underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not
> > object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in
fact,
> > come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will
take my
> > nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your
> > waist.
> >
> > Rule Four:
> > I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a
> > "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate.
When it
> > comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
> >
> > Rule Five:
> > It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other,
> > we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
> Please
> > do not do this. The only information I require from you is an
indication
> of
> > when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and
the
> > only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
> >
> > Rule Six:
> > I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities
to
> > date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with
my
> > daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl,
you
> will
> > continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If
you
> make
> > her cry, I will make you cry.
> >
> > Rule Seven:
> > As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear,
> > and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want
to
> > be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
> putting
> > on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the
Golden
> > Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do
something
> > useful, like changing the oil in my car?
> >
> > Rule Eight:
> > The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter:
> > Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a
wooden
> > stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns
within
> > eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is
> > dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
> > temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts,
tank
> > tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater,
and
> > a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong
> > romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature
> > chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are
> > better.
> >
> > Rule Nine:
> > Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged,
> > dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
> > all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where
you are
> > going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the
> > whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel,
and
> > five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
> >
> > Rule Ten:
> > Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake
the
> > sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a
rice
> paddy
> > near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in
my
> > head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to
bring my
> > daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should
exit
> > your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter
password,
> > announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home
> > SAFELY and EARLY, then return to your car - there is no need for
you to
> > come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
> >

 


mooch

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"Father?.......Son?"

A teenager climbs on a city bus. The kid has spiked hair colored
> green, yellow, and orange. His clothing is a tattered mix of rags,
> and his legs are partially bare and he has no shoes on. His entire
> face and body are riddled with piercing jewelry, and his earrings
> are big, bright, yellow, and adorned with colored feathers.
> The young fellow sits down in a vacant seat, which happens to be
> directly across the aisle from an old man, who stares at the kid
> for the next ten miles.
> Finally, the self-conscious kid yells out, "What are you looking
> at, old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?
> Without so much as blinking, the old man replies, "Well, yes, I
> did. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk
> in Singapore and had sex with a parrot. I've just been sitting
> here thinking that you might be my son."


mooch

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A looong but funny story....



> Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone
> call
> I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered
> nicely
> saying,
>
> "Hello?"
>
> I politely said,
>
> "This is Steve Sims...could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
>
> Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that
> anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and
> called her. She had transposed the last two digits when she gave it
> to
> me. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number... still
> lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same
> person answered, I yelled,
>
> "You're a jackass!,"
>
> and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass,"
and
> put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying
> bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and
I'd
> yell,
>
> "You're a jackass!"
>
> It would always cheer me up. Then, the phone company introduced
> caller
> ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would now have to stop
> calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his
> number,
> then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name.
>
> "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just
> calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program."
>
> He went,
>
> "No!,"
>
> and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said,
>
> "That's because you're a jackass!"
>
> The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how
> if
> there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something
about
> it. Just dial 823-4863.
>
> THERE'S MORE...
>
> The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the
> parking
> space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her
car
> began to move, and she started to very slowly back out of the slot.
I
> backed up a little more, to give her plenty of room to pull out.
> Great,
> I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro
> came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into
> her space. I started honking my horn and yelling,
>
> "You can't just do that Buddy! I was here first!"
>
> The guy climbed out of his Camaro, completely ignoring me. He walked
> toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself,
> this
> guy's a jackass, too. There are sure a lot of jackasses in this
> world.
> Then I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his
> Camaro. I wrote down the phone number. Then I hunted for another
> place
> to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I
> had
> just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling,
>
> "You're jackass!"
>
> (It's really easy to call him now, since I have his number on speed
> dial). I noticed the phone number of the fellow with the black
Camaro
> lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a
> couple of rings, someone answered the phone and said,
>
> "Hello."
>
> I said,
>
> "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
>
> "Yes, it is."
>
> "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
>
> "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the
> car's
> parked right out front."
>
> I said,
>
> "What's your name?"
>
> "My name is Don Hansen."
>
> "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
>
> "I'm home in the evenings."
>
> "Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
>
> "Yes."
>
> "Don, you're a jackass!"
>
> And I slammed the phone down. Then, I added Don Hansen's number to
my
> speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me.
> Now, when I had a problem, I had two jackasses to call. Then, after
> many months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just
> wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some
serious
> thought and came up with this solution... First, I had my phone dial
> Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,
>
> "Hello."
>
> I yelled
>
> "You're a jackass!,"
>
> but I didn't hang up. The jackass said,
>
> "Are you still there?"
>
> "Yeah."
>
> "Stop calling me."
>
> "No."
>
> "What's your name, Pal?"
>
> "Don Hansen."
>
> "Once I found out where you live I'm going to come over and kick your
> ass!"
>
> "I'll save you the trouble, I'm at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a
> yellow
> house and my black Camaro's parked out front."
>
> "I'm coming over right now, Don. You had better start saying your
> prayers."
>
> "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!"
>
> and I hung up. Then I called Jackass #2. He answered,
>
> "Hello."
>
> "Hello, Jackass!"
>
> "If I ever find out who you are..."
>
> "You'll what?"
>
> "I'll kick your ass."
>
> "Well, here's your chance, Jackass. I'm coming over right now to see
> you! Jackass!"
>
> And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I
> told
> them I was at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was going to kill my
> gay
> lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Fox Channel 14
> about the gang war going on down on W. 34th Street. After that, I
> climbed into my car and headed on over to 34th Street to watch the
> whole
> thing.
>
> Glorious!
>
> Watching two Jackasses kicking the shit out of each other, in front
of
> 6
> squad cars and a police helicopter, was one of the greatest
> experiences
> of my life.


mooch

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A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends
the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style... it makes your nose look short.
Love,
Grandma.


mooch

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I'd like to dedicate this joke to my two favorite NCKA Mexicans.....Pacifico and Fish Hunter :smt008



A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He
puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face.

"Mom, look, I'm a white boy."

His mom slaps him in the face and says "Go show your father". He goes
to his dad in the living room and says

"Look dad, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and
says "Go show your grandmother."

The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says
"Mira, abuelita, I'm a white boy " His grandmother slaps him in the
face and sends him back to his mother.

His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?" To which the
boy replies,

"Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate
you Mexicans."


mooch

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A young girl on a year's training course in South Africa recently
received a "Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Mary,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love,

John

Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they
could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of the pretty lads she had collected from her buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:

Dear John,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f**k you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take care,
Mary


mooch

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A 5-year-old was fishing with his dad. He asked his dad - "Dad....where do babies come from?"

The dad looks puzzled and responds "well....son.....the stork brings them"

the son asked "who fXXks the stork?"   :smt087


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++++++++++++++++++++++++
Joey - Grammar Police


Big J

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Maybe this solution to PWCs could be InsaneDuane's next project! For pix go to the website:

http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/sailor570/pwchelp.htm

Janice aka "Big J"

The Ultimate PWC Repellent: Advanced Tactical Weaponry for the Sailor

You have this great sailing spot. But lately, it has become overrun with personal water craft (PWC’s). They’re noisy, numerous, and run into things. Unless you want to risk damage to you or your boat, you may decide to turn around and go home. May we suggest a more active approach?

In our quest for the best way to deal with PWC’s, we decided that the best defense is a good offense. In our case, the best offense is close range advanced tactical weaponry.

Although there is a multitude of weapons systems available, our extensive research and testing revealed that the AIM-9 Sidewinder heat seeking air-to-air missile was the best tool for the job. First fired in 1953, and designed primarily for fleet air defense, this missile was used extensively in the Southeast Asian conflict. The weapon has been improved steady over the years, with the AIM-9M being the latest model, which costs approximately $58,000 a pop. Earlier models such as the AIM-9L or AIM-9P may be available for your boat, but you are going to loose some features such as reduced smoke and enhanced resistance to both electronic and infrared countermeasures.

We mounted our AIM-9M on a 1981 Hobie 16, through the use of custom made mount points on the tramp siderails. The missile is approximately 9 1/2 feet long, so care should be taken to avoid mounting it too far aft, as it will inhibit rudder movement. The fins span over 2 feet, so it is highly recommended that the boat be trailered with the missiles off (although there are those will argue this). The missile weighs 190 lbs., and for light crews can be a significant improvement on the windward side in heavy air. Since the average PWC does not emit a thermal signature remotely close to that of a MIG-29, the heat seeking properties of the missile had to be “tweaked” to a high degree of sensitivity. This introduced some problems in our testing, as you will see.

Test #1

We tested our weapon at an undisclosed area in northern Lake St. Clair. The area was heavily “infested” with PWC’s, and was a perfect proving ground.

As soon as we set sail, a PWC immediately crossed our bow.

The targeting system immediately acquired the target and the missile was launched. The tracking capability of the weapon was impressive.

A confirmed kill

As we passed the explosion, we assessed the effectiveness of the weapon, which was nothing short of amazing. The PWC had been reduced to some flaming wreckage at the intercept site, which was surrounded by a 500 yard “debris field” being rained upon by burning bits and pieces.

Test #2

Our second test was performed with the objective of assessing the long range capabilities of the weapon. The “Crispy Critter”, skippered by Frank Nine Fingers Pineau, was stationed in the targeting zone as an observer craft.

With a PWC sighted off of our port bow, and Frank to starboard, we acquired the PWC and fired. For reasons not entirely known, Frank decides to light up a cigar.

At this point it was apparent that the tweaking of the missile's heat seeking sensitivity was to be our downfall. Frank starts shouting and waving his arms madly, the whole time holding the lit cigar in his hand.

Sorry, Frank.

Other than the part where we blew up Frank’s boat, our experience with the AIM-9M was overwhelmingly positive. Frank was able to jump clear just before impact, and was quickly rescued. Due to the extreme heat detection sensitivity required to target PWC’s, considerable care should be exercised regarding the environment in which these weapons are used. Nearby barbecues or cigar smoking sailors can quickly interfere with targeting. Nothing ruins a nice shrimp barbecue quicker than an incoming errant missile. In our case, we blew up a Hobie 16, scorched a perfectly good Hobie baseball cap, and hopelessly “soiled” a really nice pair of Bermuda shorts.

It appears that when launching or sailing a sailboat in an area infested with PWC’s, the most effective configuration is 2 of the missiles. The first is used early on, and the second is retained for the “deterrent effect”. We noted that upon striking the first target, the remaining PWC’s vacated the area within seconds, presumably to avoid a similar fate and/or to summon local law enforcement authorities. In our case, the Macomb County Sheriff Dept. displayed significant anxiety, which was later tempered when they learned that the target was a PWC. One of the deputies present was noted to have said, “So the guy has a couple of air-to-air missiles on his boat. What do you expect us to do about it?”

Most of this article came from ON THE WIRE, a Hobie 16 newsletter, edited by Bill Mattson.



 
2007 Kayak Connection Father's Day Freshwater Derby Champion, Women's Division

Time and trouble will tame an advanced young woman, but an advanced old woman is uncontrollable by any earthly force.


 

anything